Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour
by Raoulak
Summary: Hajime Saitou and Shingai Keiori host a comedy show where characters from different anime's are special guests. Ratings for language and violence.
1. Ep 1 Dock Martins and I WANT MY MOMMY!

Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour  
  
This story was written by Raoulak and co-written by Marina.  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own anything owned by anyone else! (This means all characters we didn't make up!!)  
  
Catchy Theme Song:  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!  
  
Kenshin: Come to our dojo!  
  
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy! This is hard um...  
  
Shingai: One might say my my my!!  
  
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san, your so sexy I could just die!  
  
Burly Manly Man: AND NOW.....yes...think Threes Company.  
  
Saitou: Okay, I think I got it!!  
  
Shingai: And what's that Saitou?  
  
Saitou: How the song goes, you imbecile. Now sing!  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!  
  
Kenshin: Come to our dojo!  
  
Saitou: *starts tapping foot* Hey, this is pretty catchy, guys! Keep it going!  
  
Kenshin: Hajime Saitou!  
  
Shingai: Hajime Saitou!  
  
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!  
  
Saitou: Okay guys, you don't have to flaunt it...  
  
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!! You're so sexy! I could just die!  
  
Both: Your fame is being haunted!  
  
Saitou: Alright, that's enough! Let's start....Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!  
  
Burly manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: *applause*  
  
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!  
  
Shingai: *sits back down next to Saitou*  
  
Kenshin: *sits in special guest chair*  
  
End Song  
  
Saitou: Hello everyone! Welcome to the VERY first episode of Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour! Today, we have a very special guest, the one and only Samurai Rurouni, Kenshin Himura! And later, Aoshi Shinomori will be here!  
  
Audience: *applause*  
  
Kenshin: I am very pleased to be here, that I am!  
  
Shingai: And why is that Himura-san?  
  
Kenshin: O.O Be...cause...Saitou is a good man and I am honored to be in his presence!  
  
Shingai: But enlighten me....you two used to be arch rivals. How did this change?  
  
Saitou: *whispering to Kenshin* Uh, Kenshin, I thought we wouldn't talk about that...  
  
Kenshin: We will not, that I assure you. It was long ago, that it was. I cannot remember, that I cannot. *winks at Saitou*  
  
Saitou: Oh.kay...moving on...So Kenshin, what was it like being a Battousai?  
  
Kenshin: It seems like I am Kaoru-donu killing many of me, that it seems so.  
  
Audience: *massive laughter*  
  
Shingai: Yeah...Kenshin...speaking of Kaoru...what's up with that chick, anyway?  
  
Saitou: *nervous laughter* I'm not sure I like where this is going...  
  
Kenshin: Kaoru-donu has changed, that she has.  
  
Saitou: Uh, Shingai? Can I talk to you in back for a minute?  
  
Shingai: Whatever you say!  
  
Saitou: *grabs her shoulder and leads her backstage*  
  
Shingai: Be gentle this is a Versace kimono! *goes in*  
  
Minutes Later.  
  
Shingai: *comes back out with a black eye* Wow, Saitou is very persuasive, folks!  
  
Saitou: *comes back out looking slightly happier* Yes, yes I am! *rubs hands together* Now then, Kenshin, where were we?  
  
Kenshin: You were asking of old memoirs, that you were.  
  
Saitou: Okay, Kenshin. Tell the beautiful people, mainly me, what your rivalry with Aoshi Shinomori is like.  
  
Shingai: Uhhh.....yeah, what's it like? *rubs eye*  
  
Kenshin: It is not easy, that it is not. I do not wish to have him as an adversary, that I do not. Yet, it is better him be one than Kaoru-donu.  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Kenshin: That wasn't meant to be funny, that it wasn't...  
  
Audience: *more laughter*  
  
Kenshin: But if you desire laughter, he was very strong but compared to Kaoru-donu, his strikes were merely tickles.  
  
Saitou: *muffles laughter* Alright... continue.  
  
Shingai: Sounds like my mother and someone else I know.  
  
Saitou: What's that supposed to mean?! *looks as if he's about to KILL Shingai*  
  
Shingai: *cringes*  
  
Kenshin: ...But Shingai, you only get one mother, that you do.  
  
Mysterious Feminine Voice: Oh Shinny!!!!!  
  
Shingai: ACK! Who's there?! * looks around nervously* Oh no!!!! Hide me! *hides behind Saitou's chair*  
  
Saitou: Shingai, get out from back there! We have a show to do! Look at all the people watching! *points*  
  
*a plump woman in a robe and rollers then suddenly come in the picture*  
  
Woman: Shinny-baby!!!  
  
Shingai:*still hiding behind Saitou's chair...frozen*  
  
Saitou: Get OUT!! *grabs Shingai and throws her from behind the chair*  
  
Woman: Come on Shinny-baby, I just want you to model out a new kimono I got for you!  
  
Shingai: Awww...do I have to?!  
  
Saitou: If it will get her to go away...YES!! I have a show to do!  
  
Mother: *looks over at Saitou gets a big smile* Who's this young man?!  
  
Saitou: Oh crap...I'm in trouble...  
  
Kenshin: *holding himself in his chair cringing* ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO!!  
  
Mother: And who's this cute little boy?! *picks up both Saitou and Kenshin and bear hugs them.* They're sooo adorable!!!!! *kissing them and pinching their cheeks.* Well, young men, I brought presents for you too!!  
  
Saitou and Kenshin: ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO!!  
  
Mother: *holds out two dorky nerd outfits*  
  
Shingai: Mom!!!!!!! I'll try it on later!!!!!!  
  
Mother: But Shinny honey, they're sooooo cute!!  
  
Kenshin and Saitou: ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO!!  
  
Shingai: Later Mom!!!!!  
  
Mother: *sniffles* Okay, dear. Do you promise?  
  
Shingai: YES!!!!!!  
  
Mother: Okay. Oops! *lets go of Kenshin and Saitou* Sorry about that boys, you're just too adorable! *pinches everyone's cheeks and kisses them* Bye, dears!  
  
Kenshin and Saitou: O.O Who was that...?!  
  
Shingai: My mother!!! I hate when she does that!!!  
  
Saitou: *to self* Note to self...alert security when that woman comes near again...  
  
Shingai: Sorry. She always does that.  
  
Kenshin: Better her than Kaoru-donu, that it is.  
  
Saitou: Really...  
  
Kenshin: I like kisses and hugs rather than slaps and punches, that I do.  
  
Saitou: Even when it's from that monster? No offense Shingai...  
  
Shingai: None taken. You'll get a lot of it, being around her.  
  
Saitou: *mutters under his breath* Now I see where she gets it from...  
  
Shingai: At least my dad didn't come.  
  
Kenshin and Saitou: What do you mean by that?!  
  
Shingai: All he does is talk the birds and the bees to guys, and brag about his 'little girl'.  
  
Saitou: I already know of this, I am married, thank you.  
  
Kenshin: Shingai-san, what are the 'birds and the bees'?  
  
Shingai: Then he'll want to wrestle both of you to see how weak you are.  
  
Kenshin: WRESTLE? ORO!  
  
Shingai: Kenshin, honey, if you don't know, maybe it's time to draw your katana.  
  
Saitou: Your family scares me, Shingai...  
  
Shingai: Why do you think I'm never home?  
  
Kenshin: MY SWORD!!! *grabs sheath*  
  
Shingai: What about it?  
  
Kenshin: *grabs sword tighter* MINE!!!  
  
Saitou: I hate my job...Did I just say that?  
  
Shingai: And this is your debut, too!  
  
Saitou: I said nothing!  
  
Kenshin: *pulls sword out and starts running around like a maniac* MIIIIIINE!!  
  
Shingai: Maybe our ratings will go up if you admit it.  
  
Saitou: Admit what?  
  
Shingai: That you hate your job.  
  
Saitou: I do not!  
  
Kenshin: *turns blade over and chops off a camera man's head*  
  
Saitou: Oh yeah...I hate it...  
  
Shingai: Kenshin, babe, put your sword away!!! He's not here....yet.  
  
Kenshin: Okay! *sits in chair as if nothing happened*  
  
Shingai: Speaking of the devil....  
  
Manly voice: Gai-Gai!!!  
  
*a tall muscled man enters*  
  
Saitou: Oh now what.  
  
Shingai: Hide me!  
  
Saitou: WHAT ABOUT MY SHOW?!?!  
  
Kenshin: *whistling, then nervously stands and draws his sword*  
  
Man: Hello Gai-cha......*gets head chopped off*  
  
Kenshin: I did nothing, that I did not!  
  
Saitou: EVERYONE STOP!!!!  
  
*everyone stops where they are, dead guy falling in mid air*  
  
Shingai: Huh?  
  
Saitou: What's going on, Shingai?  
  
Shingai: Whoa!! Another funeral!!! Duh!  
  
Kenshin: *sits on the floor and starts playing with his hair*  
  
Shingai: Banzai!!!! Guess what?  
  
Saitou: *sits in char and covers his face* Oh dear God, what have I done...What?  
  
Shingai: Despite you giving me a black eye and my dad getting killed...I have a surprise for you.  
  
Saitou: That...was...your...dad? You don't seem too remorseful.  
  
Shingai: Uh-huh. Well.I can't say I'm glad, but.  
  
Kenshin: *stands up and starts playing with Saitou's hair*  
  
Saitou: Will you quit that? Well then, what is it?  
  
Shingai: *hassles Kenshin to his chair* Stop!!!  
  
Kenshin: *stops and sits in chair, listening*  
  
Saitou: Thank you...  
  
Kenshin: No problem!  
  
Shingai: Guess what?  
  
Saitou: *throws a furtive glare at Kenshin* What?  
  
Shingai: I have a surprise for you.  
  
Saitou: I think you said that before.  
  
Shingai: Okay!!! You can come out now!!!  
  
Saitou: *to self* What now... *to Shingai* Let it come. Things can't get any worse.  
  
*Saitou's wife walks in the picture*  
  
Saitou: TOKIO!! I was wrong...it can always get worse...  
  
Tokio: Hi Saitou.  
  
Saitou: Hello dear... *blushes* Were you here the whole time...?  
  
Tokio: Yes...Shingai told me this was your big day. How is it coming along?  
  
Saitou: Um...Kenshin has only killed two people...so I guess its going okay...  
  
Tokio: *gets a baffled look*  
  
Kenshin: I DIDN'T MEAN TOOO!! I was in Battousai mode...I can't help myself then... You all act as if it was my entire fault, that you do.  
  
Tokio: Don't you feel guilty?  
  
Kenshin: Oh, I feel guilty, that I do, I assure you...I am eternally in your debt, Saitou-san...Now who's up for some pie? *brings out a pie from behind his back*  
  
All but Kenshin: *sweat drop*  
  
Shingai: Don't worry sweetie, I'll get you some help.  
  
Kenshin: ORO? Help? Help for what?  
  
Shingai: Soon...hopefully.  
  
Kenshin: I have no idea what you're talking about! *smiles in ignorant bliss*  
  
Shingai: Yeah, right.  
  
Kenshin: Honestly I don't...Um, Saitou, don't you have a show to do?  
  
Shingai: Yeah sure, change the subject...  
  
Saitou: About time...  
  
Shingai: Kenshin, what made you want to ditch Kaoru?  
  
Kenshin: *hoping Kaoru isn't watching* I didn't ditch Kaoru-donu per say...  
  
Shingai: But you did.  
  
Kenshin: Did not!  
  
Saitou: Are you Jay Leno or something? You're always trying to start some argument.  
  
Tokio: Who's Jay Leno?  
  
Saitou: Long story...  
  
Shingai: I mean, come on, if I was a guy and some girl was bossing me around, I'd ditch her too.  
  
Kenshin: I DID NOT DITCH KAORU-DONU!! *takes out sword*  
  
Saitou: Okay, okay, you didn't ditch her...*laughs nervously* Put that away please, Kenshin...  
  
Shingai: Okay! Okay! Geez....!  
  
Saitou: *whispering to Shingai* Try not to start anything else, okay? You remember what happened last time...  
  
Kenshin: *puts away sword but does the Battousai glare at Shingai*  
  
Shingai: Sorry.  
  
Kenshin: *goes back to normal* You are forgiven, that you are, though I do not know for what.  
  
Tokio: O.O Remind me never to come here again, Hajime...  
  
Saitou: Can we move on NOW please?!  
  
Kenshin: *like nothing happened* Yes, please do.  
  
Shingai: I'm going to shut up now.  
  
Saitou: Good idea...  
  
Shingai: *gets mad expression.*  
  
Tokio: *gets up to leave* I'm gonna go and uh...cook dinner. *kisses Saitou on the cheek* Bye dear. *leaves*  
  
Saitou: Now look what you did...  
  
Shingai: .....  
  
Saitou: .......Now Kenshin, tell me, how did it feel when you FINALLY defeated Shishio? After my help of course...  
  
Kenshin: I felt good for saving Tokyo, that I did.  
  
Saitou: Even though almost all of Tokyo was against you? ...... ALRIGHT SHINGAI! Just stop making that FACE!!  
  
Kenshin: Yes, but I have received some atonement *ignoring her*  
  
Saitou: Shingai...I said stop it!  
  
Shingai: *stops*...What?  
  
Saitou: ...That face you were making... *turns to Kenshin* You saw it didn't you?  
  
Kenshin: Saw what?  
  
Saitou: I must be going senile...  
  
Shingai: See?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: ...never mind... But wait! They saw it, didn't they? *turns to audience* Didn't you? She was making that stupid face! That one she always does! Like this... *makes Shingai's face* See? Did you see?  
  
Shingai: I'm glad you received atonement, Kenshin. You remind me of a Battousai I know.  
  
Saitou: AM I GOING CRAZY HERE?! Alright...I'm taking five...I need a cigarette...I'll be right back. Shingai, you take it from here...  
  
Shingai: Cool.  
  
Audience: *waits*  
  
Kenshin: The mean one is gone, so what do we do now?  
  
Shingai: So, Kenshin do you know any other sword styles?  
  
Kenshin: No, just the Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryou. There may be something from my days as Shinta, but if there is, I do not remember it, that I don't.  
  
Shingai: I think you'd be good at Madruk Korean fencing.  
  
Kenshin: Really? Do you know it?  
  
Shingai: Of course! One style I fancy.  
  
Kenshin: Shh! I think the mean one is returning!  
  
Shingai: Great.  
  
Saitou: *comes in* I heard that...  
  
Shingai and Kenshin: *sitting quiet as if they said and did nothing when Saitou was gone*  
  
Shingai: Hi!  
  
Saitou: *looks at Shingai and Kenshin warily* Hello...  
  
Shingai: Are you recharged now? We still have 39 minutes.  
  
Saitou: Yes, I...think so...39 minutes you say? Dear God why... *puts head in hands and shakes head, then comes up with a smile* Alright, where were we?  
  
Shingai: Time flies when you have fun.  
  
Saitou: Mhm...So what did you kids talk about while I was gone?  
  
Kenshin: Well, we sort of talked about...MPHMHPHPHPH!!  
  
Shingai: *puts hand over Kenshin's mouth* Nothing. Why do you ask?  
  
Audience:*laughter*  
  
Saitou: *looks at audience then back at Shingai, who is smiling innocently with her hand over the struggling Kenshin's mouth*  
  
Shingai: Yes?  
  
Saitou: I've decided I don't believe you.  
  
Shingai: Why?  
  
Saitou: *to self, looks up* Do I deserve this? *to Shingai* Because you're you.  
  
Shingai: You don't believe your bestest best friend?  
  
Saitou: Bestest best...what? What are you talking about, woman? And let go of our guest!  
  
Shingai: Why? He looks good like this!  
  
Saitou: Just...let go.  
  
Shingai: *lets go*  
  
Kenshin: *gasp*  
  
Shingai: Now, what were you asking?  
  
Saitou: I asked...What did you guys do when I was gone?  
  
Shingai: Nothing!!!!  
  
Saitou: Sure...Okay...  
  
Kenshin: Actually, Saitou...we *sees Shingai glaring* only talked about the weather...  
  
Shingai: Now that we got that settled..... *smiles again*  
  
Saitou: *rolls eyes* Whatever...But if I find that you guys said anything, you're both gonna be in trouble. I am actually allowed to watch my own show, you know.  
  
Shingai: What I wasn't in trouble already?  
  
Saitou: Oh, asking for it now, are we?  
  
Shingai: No Hajime!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: It's Saitou to you.  
  
Shingai: Whatever.  
  
Saitou: Don't you 'whatever' me, I can fire you, you know.  
  
Shingai: .....  
  
Saitou: *smiles in satisfaction*  
  
Kenshin: It is a lovely evening, that it is.  
  
Audience: *cricket noises*  
  
Saitou: Is anyone else as bored as I am right now? Shingai, how much time do we have left?  
  
Shingai: *shrugs*  
  
Saitou: Oh sure, NOW you have nothing to say...  
  
Shingai: ....  
  
Saitou: Kenshin?  
  
Kenshin: Yes, Saitou-san?  
  
Saitou: *whispering* For lack of anything better to talk about...I am going to let you talk about that...thing...I wouldn't let you talk about earlier...  
  
Kenshin: *then cell phone rings*  
  
Saitou: I thought I told you to turn that off!  
  
Kenshin: *answers phone* Hello? Baby... I told you I told you I have a show to do!!!  
  
Saitou and Shingai: O.O  
  
Kenshin: Yeah....yeah...got to go....kiss kiss! *click*  
  
Saitou and Shingai: O.O  
  
Kenshin: Uhh...wrong number, *trying to pick up the proper accent again* that it was.  
  
Shingai: I didn't know Kenshin had a cell phone!! Why am I always the last to know?  
  
Saitou: Because you're you.  
  
Kenshin: A small token from a friend, that it was.  
  
Shingai: ......  
  
Saitou: Moving on...I feel as if I've said this before...  
  
Shingai: *looks at him*  
  
Saitou: What?  
  
Shingai: You were saying...?  
  
Saitou: I don't know, what was I saying?  
  
Shingai: *shrugs*  
  
Saitou: *shrugs* Sooooooo...Kenshin... *nudges him with his elbow*  
  
Kenshin: ORO?  
  
Saitou: *nudges again* You know...what I said for you not to say?  
  
Kenshin: Oh yes, we called a truce to this rivalry, that we did.  
  
Saitou: Tell them WHY Kenshin...  
  
Kenshin: It was juvenile to obtain a childish grudge, that it was. And our city was at stake, that it was.  
  
Saitou: No no, not THAT reason...  
  
Shingai: *listening intently*  
  
Kenshin: Oh, THAT reason...  
  
Saitou: Yes, Kenshin, THAT reason.  
  
Shingai: *has puzzled look on her face*  
  
Kenshin: So you mean, when you bought me those ass-kicking Dock Martins when I couldn't afford it so I could beat Shishio?  
  
Saitou: Yes...that...  
  
Shingai: O.o So that's how you did it...  
  
Kenshin: Yes, that it was.  
  
Audience: O.o  
  
Shingai: Okey dokey then. I always thought you just wore sandals.  
  
Kenshin: Well, I didn't that day, no I did not.  
  
Shingai: How interesting  
  
Saitou: *smiles smugly* He's owed me ever since.  
  
Shingai: *nods and smiles politely*  
  
Saitou: Since when are you so polite towards me?  
  
Shingai: *shrugs*  
  
Saitou: I hope Kenshin isn't rubbing off on you...I kinda miss the obnoxious Shingai... *glances at Kenshin*  
  
Kenshin: *sitting, legs crossed, smiling politely*  
  
Saitou: That's enough to scare anyone.  
  
Kenshin: ORO?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: Never mind, Kenshin. Don't strain yourself.  
  
Kenshin: *Looks innocently at Saitou*  
  
Shingai: Let me guess...'ORO?'?  
  
Audience:*laughter*  
  
Saitou: *rolls eyes* You see, Kenshin, you're what they call...naive...and Shingai is what they call...obnoxious. You two are totally opposite, understand?  
  
Shingai: 'ORO?'...right?  
  
Kenshin: You are telepathic Shingai-donu, that you are.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: How come you always laugh at THEIR jokes??  
  
Audience:*laughter*  
  
Shingai: *rolls eyes*...That answer your question?  
  
Saitou: ........  
  
Kenshin: But you are quite humorous, that you are.  
  
Saitou: ........  
  
Shingai: Put it to rest, honey. Don't ruin the mood.In ....5...4...3...2....  
  
Saitou: WHO YOU CALLING 'HONEY'?! *looks like he's going to punch Shingai again*  
  
Kenshin: ORO?  
  
Shingai: ......  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Kenshin: So, do you dance, Saitou-san?  
  
Saitou: *starts turning red with smoke coming out of his ears*  
  
Shingai: -_-; .......  
  
Kenshin: I was merely joking, that I was.  
  
Shingai: The Battousai's got jokes, now?  
  
Saitou: *grabs Shingai and Kenshin and starts shaking them* I DO NOT DANCE YOU TWO ARE NEVER BEING ON THIS SHOW TOGETHER AGAIN I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Audience:*massive laughter*  
  
Kenshin and Shingai: ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO ORO!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Shall we call in our next guest? Aoshi Shinomori, of course.  
  
Saitou: *puts them down*  
  
*Aoshi Shinomori enters*  
  
*fan girls scream*  
  
Saitou: Hey this is MY show!  
  
Fans: We love you, too Saitou-san!!!!!!  
  
Aoshi: *draws swords*...Enough!  
  
Audience: *falls silent with fear*  
  
Saitou: *sigh* Thank you.  
  
Aoshi: Thank you. Now ask your stupid questions little girl, Saitou-san.  
  
Saitou: Who's questions are you calling stupid, Mr. Shinomori? *draws katana*  
  
Aoshi: Hers.  
  
Saitou: I like him...  
  
Shingai: *thinking- You're just asking for it!!!! And crosses her arms*  
  
Aoshi: Oh he is, is he?  
  
Kenshin: ORO?  
  
Saitou: I really like him... *sheaths katana*  
  
Shingai: *thinking- I bet you do. I should've brought my katana!*  
  
Aoshi: Let's see you even try anything...  
  
Shingai: O.o How's he doing that?!  
  
Kenshin: ORO?  
  
Saitou: Enough with the ORO!!  
  
Shingai: I know, shut up!!!!!!!  
  
Aoshi: *points a sword at Shingai* No, you shut up.  
  
Shingai: *thinking- I hate my job*  
  
Aoshi: Well how do you think Saitou feels, little girl?  
  
Audience: OOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: *shrugs*  
  
Saitou: Now everyone sit down, please, I'm getting frown lines on my beautiful face!  
  
Fan Girls: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Kenshin: You should not threaten a lady, that you shouldn't.  
  
Aoshi: This one is no lady, that I assure you, Himura-san.  
  
Kenshin: But she is female, that she is. Do you lap dance Shinomori-san?  
  
Aoshi: EXCUSE ME?!  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Shingai: Again with the jokes.  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: Why me?  
  
Shingai: Ditto!  
  
Saitou: What do you mean 'ditto'? This is MY show!!  
  
Shingai: ......  
  
Saitou: I have to sit here listening to all you imbeciles!  
  
Shingai: ......  
  
Aoshi: Imbecile? *draws swords*  
  
Saitou: You do not scare me, little man. GATOTSU!!  
  
Aoshi: You want to rephrase that, Saitou-san?  
  
Kenshin: I feel a brawl coming on, that I do.  
  
Shingai: .....  
  
Saitou: No, Aoshi, I think I finally got something right this time...  
  
Aoshi: What?!  
  
Saitou: You heard me. GATOTSU!! *strikes at Aoshi using the Gatotsu*  
  
Audience: OOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Aoshi: *Counters with a double strike*  
  
*they are broken up by Kenshin in the middle*  
  
Saitou: Move, Kenshin...  
  
Kenshin: No. You have a show to do first, that you do. Let us dance, not fight. Do you know the jitterbug, Shingai-donu?  
  
Saitou: I suppose you're right, Kenshin. Aoshi, it would be wise to lower your weapon. But I do not dance. *sheaths katana*  
  
Aoshi: ....*sheaths swords*  
  
Audience: Awww man!!!!  
  
Kenshin: Well you two should learn, that you should. It is good for the stress, that it is. Like ballet or jazz dance for strength and discipline.  
  
Aoshi and Saitou: BALLET?  
  
Kenshin: It gives you strength and discipline, that it does.  
  
Aoshi: No...Not for me.  
  
Saitou: I didn't even dance at my wedding, and I'm not starting now.  
  
Kenshin: It is your life and loss, that it is.  
  
Saitou: ...I feel no remorse over not dancing...  
  
Aoshi: And what is it that I'm losing, Himura-san?  
  
Kenshin: An easy way to get stronger and wiser, Shinomori-san.  
  
Saitou: Are you saying you partake in ballet, Kenshin?  
  
Kenshin: What else would I imply?  
  
Girl fans: *claps, cheers, hoots, and hollers*  
  
Saitou: Oh, I don't know, that maybe I'm not the only insane one here?  
  
Kenshin: It is probable, that it is.  
  
Aoshi: Uh huh...  
  
Mother: Shinny-baby!!!!!!! I'm back!!!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Oh no.  
  
Saitou: Oh God no...  
  
Aoshi: Who is this woman?  
  
Shingai: Hide me!  
  
Aoshi: WHO is this woman?!  
  
Mother: There you are!!!!!! OH! Who's this handsome young man? *grasps and hugs Aoshi*  
  
Shingai: Put him down, Mom.  
  
Aoshi: LET GO OF ME THIS INSTANT!  
  
Mother: I wish I could, but you're sooooo cute!!! *pinches cheeks*  
  
Aoshi: *kicks at Shingai's mother* LET ME GO!!!  
  
Mother: Well! Aren't we feisty?! Anyway, I really want you all to try on some outfits.  
  
Aoshi: NOOOOO!!!  
  
Shingai: Not now, mom!!!!!!  
  
Mother: And I brought some friends as back-up.  
  
Saitou: She didn't...  
  
*Aoshi's mom and Saitou's mom come out*  
  
Kenshin: ORO?  
  
Aoshi: I didn't even know my mother was still alive...  
  
Mother Shinomori: Hello, Aoshi. Have you been behaving?  
  
Aoshi: M-m-mom-mommy?  
  
Mother Saitou: Yes, have you been behaving Hajime?  
  
Aoshi: *runs to mother and hugs* MOMMY!!  
  
Saitou: Um... *scratches head* Um...I got married...  
  
Mother Saitou: I missed you!!!! *tears, gets all emotional*  
  
Saitou: I got married, Ma...  
  
Mother Shinomori: It's all right, Aoshi, mommy's here.  
  
Mother Saitou: Good for you.  
  
Saitou: But...but...Ma...don't you care?  
  
Kenshin and Shingai: *can't stop horrendous giggles*  
  
Few Minutes of Silence.  
  
Kenshin and Shingai: *finally burst out laughing*  
  
Audience: Huh?!  
  
Aoshi: *still sobbing to his mother*  
  
Mother Saitou and Saitou: *stare down*  
  
Mother Saitou and Shinomori: *begin laughing*  
  
Mother: Did I miss something?  
  
Kenshin and Shingai: *still laughing hysterically*  
  
Aoshi: What is going on?! I don't find reuniting with my mother the least bit funny!!!  
  
Saitou: MY MOMMY DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!!  
  
Mother Saitou and Shinomori: *laugh even harder*  
  
Saitou and Aoshi: MOMMY!!!!  
  
Mother Saitou and Shinomori: *get manly voices* Awww, that was classic!!!!!!  
  
Kenshin: I knew this would loosen them up, that I did!!!!! *still laughing*  
  
Saitou: What?  
  
Aoshi: You mean...is Mommy dead?!  
  
*Saitou's mother and Aoshi's mother pull off granny masks, revealing to be two crew members*  
  
Saitou: I knew their voices sounded awfully masculine.  
  
Mother: O.o  
  
Saitou: Bob? Moe?  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: THIS IS MY SHOW I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!! Bob, Moe, sorry to inform you, but you're fired!!  
  
Bob and Moe: *smile and grin*  
  
Aoshi: What are you smiling about? You just got sacked!  
  
Bob and Moe: Yeah....we knew you'd do that.  
  
Saitou: So you're not mad or anything?  
  
Bob and Moe: No.....you're so predictable.  
  
Saitou: That's no fun!! That's so unfair!  
  
Bob and Moe: Look who's talking.  
  
Saitou: Shut up, both of you, and get off my set!  
  
Bob and Moe: *walk off set*  
  
Saitou: Thank God...I can't believe I fell for that...  
  
Mother: .....Well! How 'bout those outfits now?  
  
Aoshi: Uh, maybe another time, ma'am...I must be leaving. *walks off set*  
  
Saitou: Chicken...  
  
Mother: Bye sweetie.  
  
Shingai: Mom, he isn't coming back.  
  
Mother: Oh. Well then looks like you get two outfits!  
  
Mother: *pinches Saitou's cheek*  
  
Saitou: Ouch...Woman, don't make me call security on you!  
  
Shingai: Stop, Mom.  
  
Mother: Well! I can tell when I'm wanted, hmph! *walks off set*  
  
Saitou: Thank God...I mean, so sad...  
  
Kenshin: Despite her indiscreetness, she has been very.....kind.that she has.  
  
Shingai: .......*thinks- Yeah right!!!!*  
  
Saitou: .........So...  
  
Kenshin: ....Do you like frog butter, Saitou-san?  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: *stares and pauses, then...* Frog butter?  
  
Shingai: ....... -_-;  
  
Kenshin: Yes, frog butter. Do you like it?  
  
Saitou: What...is...it?  
  
Kenshin: It is wonderful, it is whatever you like it to be, that it is.  
  
Saitou: I see...then...I guess...if it were Tokio...I'd like it.  
  
Kenshin: It can be, that it can.  
  
Saitou: Oh...kay...  
  
Kenshin: Mine will be ultimate atonement, that it will be.  
  
Saitou: Oh...kay...  
  
Kenshin: So, now, do you like frog butter, Saitou-san?  
  
Saitou: Sure, why not?  
  
Kenshin: Wonderful!!!!! What about you, Shingai-donu?  
  
Shingai: .....  
  
Saitou: ......Kenshin...no...  
  
Kenshin: ORO?  
  
Saitou: Just...stop...Kenshin.  
  
Kenshin: All right, would you like to hear a joke?  
  
Saitou: No, not from you I don't.  
  
Kenshin: If I asked the ever-quiet Shingai-donu, would you listen?  
  
Audience: * laughter*  
  
Saitou: Proceed...you've already caused enough damage.  
  
Kenshin: All right, why did the traveling samurai cross the road?  
  
Saitou: *listens and tries not to let Kenshin know*  
  
Shingai: .....*glares*  
  
Kenshin: Because it was against his code to stay on that side!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: *sweat drop*  
  
Audience: *-_-;.......* A joke about himself.  
  
Shingai: *rolls eyes,-_-;, thinking- Keep your Battousai jokes to yourself.*  
  
Kenshin: Well I thought it was funny!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Kenshin: Would you like to hear another one?  
  
Saitou: NO!  
  
Audience: *suddenly fell silent*  
  
Shingai: Stick to bushido and Hiten Mitsurugi Ryou.  
  
Saitou: Shingai, when this show is over, are you ready to flee the country?  
  
Shingai: I was more in mind of the continent, why?  
  
Shingai: I was more in mind of the continent, why?  
  
Saitou: Because I was thinking on it...  
  
Shingai: Yeah. Ditto.  
  
Kenshin: How about a riddle, Saitou-san?  
  
Saitou: No thanks...  
  
Shingai: *-_-;*  
  
Saitou: Oh...kay...  
  
Kenshin: How about a-  
  
Shingai: NO!  
  
Saitou: Finally something we agree on...Oh look, it's time to go!  
  
Kenshin: *cringes* Okay! Don't hurt me....what?!  
  
Saitou: You heard me, folks. It's time for all good little Rurouni Samurai to go bye bye!  
  
Shingai: Bye, Himura-san!  
  
Kenshin: You sure you don't want to-  
  
Saitou: BYE!!  
  
Shingai: BYE Himura-san!!  
  
Kenshin: *sadly walks off stage*  
  
Audience: *applause*  
  
Shingai: Think we were a little harsh?  
  
Both: NAH!!  
  
Audience: * laughter while filing out*  
  
Saitou: Okay, folks, that's our show! Tune in next week to see the Vash and Meryl on....  
  
Both: Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!! BYE!!! 


	2. Ep 2 Mike Vallely and I WANT OKRA!

Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour  
  
This story was written and co-written by Raoulak and Marina  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own Hajime Saitou or his guests.  
  
Catchy Theme Song:  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!  
  
Vash: The infamous world of Gunsmoke!  
  
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!  
  
Shingai: One might say my my my!!  
  
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san, your so sexy I could just die!  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!  
  
Vash: The infamous world of Gunsmoke!  
  
Saitou: Keep it going! Almost there!  
  
Vash: Hajime Saitou!  
  
Shingai: Hajime Saitou!  
  
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!  
  
Saitou: *smirk*  
  
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!! You're so sexy! I could just die!  
  
Both: Your fame is being haunted!  
  
Saitou: Alright, that's enough! Let's start....Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!  
  
Burly manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: *applause*  
  
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!  
  
Shingai: *sits back down next to Saitou*  
  
Vash and Meryl: *sit in special guest chairs*  
  
End Song  
  
Saitou: Welcome back everyone! This is the second episode of Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!! Today we have two guests all the way from planet Gunsmoke, Vash and Meryl!!  
  
Vash: Hullo!  
  
Meryl: Hi, everyone!  
  
Shingai: Tonight's guests are Meryl and Vash.  
  
Saitou: Did I not just say that?  
  
Shingai: Whatever......So!! Vash and Meryl!!! What made you want to come do our show?  
  
Vash: I heard about this show of course!  
  
Meryl: And Vash just made me come.  
  
Shingai: Ha ha! Well, where's Milly?  
  
Meryl: We actually found a chaperone for her this time, so she's back at the hotel room.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Vash: No!! It's true! You should see her when she's drunk...Whoo hoo!  
  
Shingai: Sounds like some one I know. *looks at Saitou*  
  
Saitou: What is that supposed to mean?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *glares at audience*  
  
Shingai: What, you don't remember? Tokio's party, your anniversary......oh, I can go on and on!  
  
Saitou: Shut up! I AM married you know.  
  
Meryl: Yeah, but he's just child's play compared to Milly when she's drunk!  
  
Saitou: How do you know how I am when I'm drunk?! Wait...I don't get drunk! Never mind...  
  
Vash: So!! What did he do at their anniversary?! I'm dying to know!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Should I tell them, Saitou-san?  
  
Saitou: *gives Shingai THE LOOK*  
  
Shingai: Whatever, so where's Wolfwood, then?  
  
Vash: I don't know, but I have his cross gun right here! *pulls it out* Isn't it pretty?!  
  
Shingai: Oh yeah.....a real beaut.  
  
Vash: *^_^*  
  
Meryl: Why'd you bring that thing, Vash?!  
  
Vash: Because it's pwetty!!  
  
Meryl and Shingai: *-_-;*  
  
Vash: *^_^*  
  
Saitou: ...... Oh...kay...  
  
Shingai: Uhhh....yeah, so what's it like being worth $$60 billion?  
  
Vash: What about it?  
  
Shingai: How does it affect you?  
  
Vash: *shrugs* It's ok, I guess...It doesn't really bring in the chicks...  
  
Meryl: It might explain Milly and his behavior.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Vash: But that girl...at the bar...the rich one! She was so pretty!! I thought it was going to work, really!  
  
Meryl: You probably intimidate them with that cross.  
  
Vash: MINE!! *grabs it*  
  
Meryl: Technically it's Wolfwood's!  
  
Vash: Shut up!  
  
Shingai: Yeah.....  
  
Saitou: Can I say something?  
  
Meryl: Why not?  
  
Saitou: *punches Meryl* Shut up!  
  
Meryl: OW!! *grabs face* Vash! Are you going to let him hurt a lady like that?!  
  
Vash: Ooh! Where?!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: Good answer.  
  
Vash: No, but really, where?  
  
Saitou: Just forget it, Vash. Meryl was talking about her own dumb self.  
  
Meryl: Hey! I am not dumb!!  
  
Vash: HAHAHA! Oh! Were you serious?  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Meryl: * gives Vash THE LOOK*  
  
Saitou: Excuse me, that's MY look, thank you!  
  
Meryl: ......FINE!  
  
Saitou: *punches Meryl again* Shut up, bitch!  
  
Shingai: *thinking: What a drama queen!!*  
  
Meryl: *holds face* Vash, can I go now?  
  
Meryl: I know! But they're hurting me!  
  
Saitou: Correction: WE'RE not hurting anyone. I am the one doing the hurting around here.  
  
Vash: Well, be nice and he'll be nice!  
  
Saitou: In other words, shut up! God Almighty...You nag worse than Tokio! Sorry dear!  
  
Tokio: *at home watching the TV* Hmph! Cold ramen for you tonight!  
  
Meryl: But-  
  
Vash: No buts, Meryl. We're not supposed to talk about those things on TV. It's simply unheard of.  
  
Shingai: Will you shut up for at least six minutes???!!!  
  
Saitou: Thank you!  
  
Meryl: Hmph... *crosses arms*  
  
Vash: Meryl, now you're being juvenile.  
  
Meryl: I told you I didn't want to come!  
  
Vash: But you did.  
  
Saitou: Tisk tisk! I thought Shingai told you to shut up for six minutes!  
  
Burly manly man: This is true.  
  
Meryl: *not listening to Saitou or Burly Manly Man* Did not!  
  
Shingai: SHUT UP before I personally rip out your voice box!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!! *punches Meryl*  
  
Meryl: *knocked out* @.@  
  
Shingai: Now, * smiles again* Vash, how are you?  
  
Vash: Better now, thanks guys.  
  
Shingai: Finally! Peace and quiet! How do you put up with her?!  
  
Vash: I try to avoid her as much as possible.  
  
Shingai: Maybe, you should've left her with a chaperone, and brought Wolfwood or Milly  
  
Meryl: *wakes up* Wha-what happened...Why am I on the floor? *looks at Saitou* WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!?!  
  
Vash: I'm beginning to think you're right...  
  
Shingai: *draws Korean sword*...Go to sleep!  
  
Meryl: RAPE!! RAPE!!  
  
Shingai: I'm straight. No man would give you the time of day!  
  
Saitou: What?! All I did was knock her out!! I can do it again if that's what you guys want...  
  
Shingai: *points sword at Meryl* Shut up or answer to me.  
  
Saitou: How's this? *knocks her out again*  
  
Shingai: *sheaths sword*  
  
*Gandalf the Grey and Frodo Baggins from Lord Of The Rings come running across the set, Gandalf chasing Frodo*  
  
Gandalf: Come back here, you runt! Give me that ring!! *pushes Shingai* Move, bitch, get out 'da way!  
  
*Ludacris music cues*  
  
Frodo: Ahhh!! Somebody help me!!!!!!!  
  
Frodo and Gandalf: *run off set*  
  
Saitou: TURN THAT DAMNED MUSIC OFF!!  
  
Music: *swwwwsh*  
  
Vash: Get out the-...oh.  
  
Saitou: Don't even start...  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: I guess I haven't lost my touch after all...  
  
Shingai: *gets up* What was that all about?  
  
Saitou: I think I know, but it's a REALLY long story...  
  
Vash: But, I liked the song!!!! By the way, are you okay, Shingai-san?  
  
Shingai: Yeah, nothing broken.  
  
Vash: That's good. *reaches out grabs her hand and kisses it*  
  
Meryl: *wakes up to him doing this* *O.o* Vash!!!! What are you doing?!  
  
Vash: *lets go* Uh, nothing...Just making sure Shingai san is okay. Is that all right?  
  
Meryl: She looks fine to me!!  
  
Shingai: *rolls eyes*  
  
Saitou: But you missed the whole Gandalf charade...  
  
Meryl: Who's Gandalf?  
  
Saitou: Never mind...  
  
Shingai: Don't worry about it.  
  
Saitou: It might hurt your little one-tracked mind.  
  
Meryl: Oh yeah? And what track is that?  
  
Saitou: Oh, don't deny it...  
  
Meryl: What are you trying to imply?!?!?!?!  
  
Saitou: Oh, I don't know...maybe that you're completely obsessed with Vash?  
  
Meryl: You're delusional!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Ok, I'll let you think that.  
  
Meryl: I'll have you know that I have a boyfriend at home!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Yeah right.  
  
Audience and everyone else: *laughs hysterically*  
  
Saitou: *still laughing* Now that's one I haven't heard before!!  
  
Vash: *suppressing his giggles*  
  
Shingai: Are you sure you're not referring to stuffed animals?  
  
Meryl: *steaming* And what....you do?!  
  
Shingai: No, but I wouldn't pull off what you're trying to do.  
  
Meryl: But I'm serious!!  
  
Audience and everyone else: *laughs hysterically again*  
  
Shingai: Young adults, so cute when they don't what they want....or should I say who they want...  
  
Meryl: And just how old are you?!  
  
Shingai: I 'm sixteen. Got a problem with it?  
  
Meryl: Um...  
  
Saitou: So NOW you're at a lack of words...  
  
Meryl: Um...  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: I think it's time for you to go now. Good bye...  
  
Meryl: Final... *dies*  
  
Saitou: *Gatotsus Meryl*  
  
Audience: *standing ovation*  
  
Saitou: *smiling smugly*  
  
Vash: Meryl, rest in hell.  
  
Audience: *laugher*  
  
Vash: Just glad I didn't have to kill her.  
  
Audience: *more laugher*  
  
Shingai: I would've done it myself, but Saitou beat me to it.  
  
Vash: *kisses Shingai's hand again* Now that the bitch is gone, I have you all to myself, my dear...  
  
Saitou: Ahem...  
  
Shingai: *blushes*  
  
Vash: *^______^* *still holding Shingai's hand*  
  
Shingai: Well, how long have you been worth $$60 billion?  
  
Vash: *ignoring her* You're very pretty, Shingai...  
  
Shingai: Uhh....thank you, Vash. * bites lip in nervousness*  
  
Vash: *^_____^*  
  
Shingai: Vash?  
  
Vash: Hi...  
  
Shingai: Uhh....hello, how are you?  
  
Vash: I'm great... *^______^*  
  
Shingai: That's good! *starts to look in his eyes now*  
  
Vash: *looks back* Cool...You have the prettiest blue eyes...  
  
Shingai: You do, too.  
  
Vash: Uh huh...  
  
Saitou: *-.-*  
  
Saitou: What?! It's MY show!!  
  
Shingai: Not all of it is yours!  
  
Saitou: You're only the co-host!  
  
Shingai: YEAH!!! In other words, WE share it!!  
  
Vash: *still looking at Shingai*  
  
Saitou: But MORE of it is MINE!  
  
Shingai: Look you!!!!! A guy's trying to pick me up, don't embarrass me!!!!!! 'Kay?! *twitches eye scarily*  
  
Saitou*-.-* Is that supposed to intimidate me?  
  
Shingai: So, can we just drop it?! *twitches eye scarily again*  
  
Saitou: I will not have people hitting on you in the middle of the show!  
  
Shingai: But they.....uhh...Saitou?  
  
Saitou: Yes?  
  
Shingai: Why is Meryl's corpse still there?  
  
Saitou: Because...I'm not going to touch it...  
  
Shingai: Oh....okay whatever. What were we talking about?  
  
Vash: *pokes Shingai so she'll look back at him*  
  
Shingai: HELLO!!!!!!....Yes, Vash?  
  
Vash: *still looking at Shingai*  
  
Shingai: Oh....what pretty colors!!!!!  
  
Audience: * hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: *sigh* Okay, I'll bring in the surprise guest...Come on in, Wolfwood!  
  
Wolfwood: *comes on the set* Hello, hello. Vash?  
  
Vash: *still locking eyes with Shingai*  
  
Wolfwood: What's their problem?  
  
Saitou: Don't ask...It's their problem, not ours.  
  
Wolfwood: Alrighty then...  
  
Shingai: Hey Wolfwood. * puts most of her attention to Wolfwood*  
  
Saitou: Finally...  
  
Wolfwood: Hello there, pretty little girl.  
  
Vash: Hey! I saw her first!  
  
Wolfwood: Hey, you mind if I give a compliment?! Just trying to be nice!  
  
Vash: Yes, I do mind!  
  
Wolfwood: Well it's true, she is pretty! And it's not like she's a piece of land or something! I swear, you're starting to act like Meryl!! By the way, why is she laying dead on the ground?!  
  
Saitou: I can explain...  
  
Wolfwood: Please do!  
  
Saitou: Well, you see, um, she was being an annoying bitch, and...  
  
Wolfwood: Enough said. *notices cross gun* Hey! What's that doing here?  
  
Vash: It's sooo pwetty!!!!! *^_^*  
  
Saitou and Shingai: *-_-;*  
  
Wolfwood: I know, isn't it? But that's not the point! I want it back!  
  
Vash: Mine!!!!!!!! *o*  
  
Wolfwood: MINE!!!!!  
  
Vash: Mine!!!!!!!!  
  
Wolfwood: MINE!!!!!!!  
  
Vash: Mine!!!!!!!!  
  
Wolfwood: MINE!!!  
  
Vash: Finders keepers...  
  
Shingai: Guys?  
  
Wolfwood: No way!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Guys?  
  
Vash: Yes way!  
  
Wolfwood: No way!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Guys?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *o*  
  
Vash: Yes, my darling?  
  
Shingai: That's better... Wolfwood, just let Vash borrow it 'til the show's over, or you'll be forever arguing.  
  
Vash: As the lady commands! You heard her, Wolfwood! *^_^*  
  
Wolfwood: Shut up.  
  
Vash: *sits innocently in his chair, smiling*  
  
Wolfwood: *crosses arms and sits down*  
  
Saitou: Great! Now that that's settled...let's move on.  
  
Vash: Can I sing the Genocide Song?!?!?! Please?!?!  
  
Shingai: Huh? Yeah, sure, why not?  
  
Wolfwood: Please don't get him started on that...  
  
Shingai: Uhhh....what is it anyway?  
  
Vash: *begins humming to himself*  
  
Wolfwood: Too late now...  
  
Shingai: Sorry.  
  
Vash: Total Slaughter, Total Slaughter. I won't leave a single man alive.  
  
La de da de dai, Genocide. La de da de duh, An ocean of blood. Let's begin the killing time.  
  
Wolfwood: Oh God.  
  
Saitou: *O.o*  
  
Shingai: *-_-;*  
  
Saitou: Shingai, I think we're in for another homicidal frenzy...This time it's Vash... Who next?  
  
Shingai: Don't jinx it.  
  
Wolfwood: I think we're all in trouble now.  
  
Shingai: You said it.  
  
Wolfwood: Said what?  
  
Shingai: No, I mean that as in, I agree with you.  
  
Wolfwood: I see...So now I suppose it's time to bring out my...portable confessional!! Seeing as we're all about to die, and all...  
  
Saitou and Shingai: *-_-;;;*  
  
Vash: C'mon you guys, sing along!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: NO!!  
  
Shingai: Why our show?!.....*-_-;*  
  
Saitou: I don't know...Why can't Larry King get all the loonies? Oh wait, he already does...  
  
Shingai: Or Jay Leno or something?  
  
Saitou: You still don't know who Jay Leno is, do you?  
  
Shingai: Does it matter? Either way, he has a show and Mr. Karaoke over here had the chance to go there, but instead chose us.  
  
Saitou: So you still don't know who Jay Leno is?  
  
Shingai: No.  
  
Saitou: That's all you had to say.  
  
Vash: I'm getting tired of this song; let's play a game with it!  
  
Shingai: Whatever, why do we get all the psychotic people?  
  
Vash: YAY!! Pretty girl said I could kill someone!! But...she...said it wasn't right to kill... Who do I listen to?! I'm so confused!!  
  
Shingai: Vash, have you ever flown?  
  
Vash: I WANNA FLY!!  
  
Saitou: Shingai, no...  
  
Shingai: Figures.  
  
Vash: BUT I WANNA FLY!! Pretty girl, come fly with me!!! *jumps out of his chair and zooms around the set with his arms out*  
  
Shingai: I hate my job.  
  
Saitou: That's my line!  
  
Vash: *grabs Shingai's arm and pulls her behind him* C'mon! Let's fly!!  
  
Wolfwood: Maybe I should've left him with a chaperone.  
  
Saitou: Yeah, maybe...You think?  
  
Shingai: I think Milly would've actually been the only sane one.  
  
Milly: *runs on the set* Meryl-sempai, where are...*sees Meryl's corpse*  
  
Shingai: Long story, just sit down.  
  
Milly: S-s-sempai...*whimper*  
  
Vash: *still running around pulling Shingai*  
  
Wolfwood: Milly, where's your chap- I mean, special friend?  
  
Milly: *sniff* Friend? Oh, that person! He fell asleep...I knew he couldn't keep up with me!  
  
Wolfwood: How'd you know we'd be here?  
  
Milly: My friend told me! He drove the truck too! Then he fell asleep half way here. I drove the rest of the way! Aren't you proud of me, Mr. Priest?  
  
Wolfwood: Oh, Vash?! Sit down before I take back the cross!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vash: *sits down* MINE!!!!!!  
  
Wolfwood: That's better.  
  
Vash: MINE!! Don't even LOOK at it!  
  
Wolfwood: FINE!!!!!!! Just sit down!!!!!!!!  
  
Vash: But I am sitting...  
  
Wolfwood: And stay there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vash: I don't know what you're getting so worked up about...  
  
Wolfwood: *gives him evil glare*  
  
Saitou: Why MY show? Why not Conan O'Brian or Dr. Phil?  
  
Vash: What was that for, Wolfwood, my friend?  
  
Shingai: Or Oprah for that matter.  
  
Saitou: My point exactly.  
  
Audience: *hysteric laughter*  
  
Saitou: After all this, I still got it.  
  
Vash: Isn't that some kind of vegetable?  
  
Wolfwood: That's okra, you idiot.  
  
Vash: I WANNA BE AN OKRA!!  
  
Wolfwood and Shingai: *mumbling: What's the difference?*  
  
Milly: I WANNA BE AN OKRA, TOO!!  
  
Vash: Milly, don't start.  
  
Saitou: You're one to talk!!  
  
Wolfwood: Why am I cursed with such idiot partners?!  
  
Saitou: Why am I cursed with such idiot guests?!  
  
Shingai: You took the words right out of my mouth.  
  
Saitou: Well, excuse me...  
  
Milly: Oh! Did somebody fart?  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: Don't make me punch you, too, Milly!  
  
Milly: You wouldn't dare hit a lady, would you?  
  
Saitou: Yeah, gorilla-lady, maybe...  
  
Milly: Are you implying that I look like a gorilla?!  
  
Saitou: No, I most certainly am not. I'm just implying that you have the reflexes and brain capacity of a gorilla.  
  
Milly: Oh! Okay.  
  
Vash: Milly, you know he just insulted you worse, right?  
  
Milly: Yeah...I knew that...Wait a second!!  
  
Wolfwood and Shingai: ....I'm not going to ask. *-_-;*  
  
Saitou: What have we gotten ourselves into, Shingai?  
  
Shingai: Another public migraine.  
  
Saitou: Another? Wait, the last one was all your fault!  
  
Shingai: How?  
  
Saitou: Remember...that thing you did? Come on, let's not discuss that here...there's already enough madness going on with the okra and the gorilla.  
  
Shingai: Whatever, everything's always my fault.  
  
Saitou: I never said that. I will admit this was mostly my fault.  
  
Vash: Did someone say okra?  
  
Saitou: Again with the okra... No, I said banana sundae!  
  
Milly: What about the gorilla? They're so cute and fuzzy!!!!  
  
Saitou: Cute isn't exactly the word I was thinking of.  
  
Milly: Ooh! What?!  
  
Saitou: Never mind...It's a word too big for your gorilla shaped brain to consume.  
  
Milly: I'll have you know that I'm not a gorilla!!  
  
Wolfwood and Shingai: That's what they all say. *laugh at each other*  
  
Vash: HEY! What are you two, laughing about?!  
  
Saitou: I pity you, Vash.  
  
Vash: I said I saw her first!!!!!! *grabs Shingai*....My Shinny-shin!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Shinny-shin?  
  
Wolfwood: Saitou, don't ask.  
  
Shingai: Vash! Put me down.  
  
Vash: Mine!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: I can ask if I want to, it's my show!  
  
Wolfwood: Fine, it's your ass.  
  
Saitou: Excuse me? I'll have you know I'm happily married to a WOMAN, you gay priest...staring at my ass...how dare you.  
  
Milly: I want a banana sundae!!!!!  
  
Audience: *-_-;*  
  
Wolfwood: Don't flatter yourself, Saitou. I'm straight.  
  
Girl fans: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Get off my set, you gay priest.  
  
Wolfwood: To get away from a gorilla girl, an okra, a desperate show host, and a poor pretty little girl being tortured, gladly.  
  
Milly: Where are you going, Wolfwood?  
  
Saitou: Who you calling desperate, you gay priest?!  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Wolfwood: You.  
  
Saitou: GET OFF MY SET!!! SECURITY!!!  
  
Wolfwood: *gets up from chair, and starts walking* I'm going. I'm going.  
  
*security guards come out of no where and grab Wolfwood and cuff him and drag him off the set*  
  
Wolfwood: Might as well go out with a bang, right?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: That's right, Mr. Gay Priest, have the last word! As long as I never have to see you again, I'm okay with it!  
  
Milly: May I have a banana sundae, please? Mr. Priest, when you come back, bring me a banana sundae!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Shingai: *-_-;*  
  
Vash: Face it, Milly, he isn't coming back.  
  
Saitou: Damn right, he isn't.  
  
Milly: Why not?  
  
Vash: Because, he was mean to Saitou-san.  
  
Saitou: That's the nicest thing you've said about me all day.  
  
Shingai: *still being squeezed by Vash* Vash, how long are you going to hold me like this?  
  
Vash: Oops... *lets go*  
  
Shingai: So, where's Legato these days?  
  
Vash: Legato? OH!!! I killed him!! *^_^*  
  
Shingai: Oh.  
  
Saitou: Not this again! Please dear God...  
  
Milly: Gorilla's are fuzzy!  
  
Vash: Milly, there's a reason why we put you with a chaperone.  
  
Milly: Well, Mike V. wasn't a good chaperone...wait, you said he was my friend!!!  
  
Vash: Well, he is, isn't he yours?  
  
Milly: Well....yes.  
  
Vash: LIAR!!!!!!! Well, what exactly happened?  
  
Milly: WE GOT DRUNK! YAY!!!  
  
Vash: I am gonna KILL the guy who told me the professional skater Mike Vallely was responsible!!!  
  
Random guy in the crowd: *runs out*  
  
Milly: NO!!!!!! Don't do that, he was responsible....  
  
Vash: *sees random guy running out* I'M GONNA GET YOU!!! *runs out after him*  
  
Saitou: There goes another guest...  
  
Milly: Can we have a gorilla come on?  
  
Saitou: NO!  
  
Audience: * hysterical laughter*  
  
Shingai: Again with the gorillas.  
  
Milly: What's wrong with gorillas?!?!?!?!  
  
Shingai: You tell me.  
  
Saitou: Everything...They're big, clumsy, stupid, and they shed all over my set! *picks up a Milly hair* Just like what you're doing now!  
  
Milly: There's nothing wrong with them!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: *coughcoughyesthereiscough*  
  
Shingai: Besides the fact that you're in denial that you're trying to stand up for your own kind.  
  
Milly: Shut up! *starts to cry* What are you trying to say little girl?!  
  
Shingai: Why does everyone call me a little girl?  
  
Saitou: Because, compared to everyone else that's been on this show, you are a little girl.  
  
Shingai: Great.  
  
Milly: You hurted my feelings, little girl!!!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: You're welcome.  
  
Milly: I didn't say thank you!!  
  
Shingai: That's okay; I knew what you were thinking. Young adults, so predictable.  
  
Saitou: *prepares himself* Yes?  
  
Milly: Are you going to let her talk to me that way?!?!?!  
  
Saitou: Why wouldn't I?  
  
Milly: Because little girls should respect their elders.  
  
Mike Vallely: *stumbles in, drunkenly* Wha-what...Mil-mil, where are ya?  
  
Milly: Here I am.  
  
Mike V.: Why'd you leave, you know you were supposed to stay with me.  
  
Milly: I wanted to see Sempai, but she's dead and these people are being mean, so we can go now...  
  
Mike V.: YAY!!! MORE BEER!!  
  
Milly: YAY!!!!... *^_^*  
  
Saitou: *-.-*  
  
*outside*  
  
Vash: COME BACK, YOU BASTARD!!  
  
Guy: What?!  
  
Vash: OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!! Wait, wrong story.  
  
Guy: Drunken asshole.  
  
Vash: I am not drunk, thank you. Milly is the drunken one!!  
  
Guy: What's the difference? You both know each other, and you both act like gorillas and okra.  
  
Vash: I want okra! *sees guy getting away* Wait a minute, get back here!  
  
Guy: Make me!!!!!! *runs faster*  
  
Vash: *^_^* Okay!! *Angel Arm appears* Stop right where you are, sir! I don't want to have to use this!  
  
Guy: *slows down*......Use what?! *sees Angel Arm* ACK!!!!!  
  
Vash: I tried to warn you........!  
  
*in jail*  
  
Wolfwood: *playing the harmonica, sitting in a lonely cell*  
  
TV: *Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour* Saitou: Um...Okay, that was strange...But thank God Milly and that guy left, right Shingai?  
  
TV: Shingai: Um...sure...  
  
Wolfwood: Such a shame... *goes back to playing harmonica* Wait, how did i get this anyway?  
  
*back on the set*  
  
Shingai: Where do our sponsors find these people?  
  
Saitou: How am I supposed to know? Ask them! Besides...now we have no guests...  
  
Shingai: I know that, genius.  
  
Saitou: Shut up! *looks as if he's about to hit her again*  
  
Shingai: What?!....Am I supposed to cringe or something?  
  
Saitou: *hits her*  
  
Shingai: Oh my God, ow.  
  
Saitou: Shut up before I hit you AGAIN again.  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Shingai: I'm shaking in my boots.  
  
Saitou: I didn't know you were wearing boots.  
  
Mother: Shinny?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Shingai: Okay, now I am...  
  
Saitou: Please God, not this again... *starts praying*  
  
Mother: *comes onto the set* Hello Saitou-sama.  
  
Mother: Just thought I bring you two kids some cookies. *holds up a platter of Toll House cookies*  
  
Saitou: They're not poisoned, are they?  
  
Mother: Now why would I poison my little girl and her little friend?  
  
Saitou: I don't know... *takes a cookie warily*  
  
Shingai: You really want me to answer that?  
  
Saitou: Should I put it back?  
  
Mother: Just taste it, it'll melt in your mouth.  
  
Saitou: *licks cookie* Well, I'm not dead yet...  
  
Shingai: I'm under the influence that that's a bad thing. Or might be, at least.  
  
Mother: C'mon Shingai, have one.  
  
Shingai: Pass. I ain't hungry.  
  
Saitou: Take it, maybe she'll leave.  
  
Mother: Well, I have things to do anyway. Bye kids. *walks off set*  
  
Saitou: *finishes cookie* Damn, she ain't that bad a cook.  
  
Shingai: Whatever.  
  
Saitou: Still not as good as Tokio's, though.  
  
*at Saitou's house*  
  
Tokio: Awww, did he really mean that? Maybe there'll be no cold ramen tonight after all. Well, at least I know I can do something to make him happy.  
  
*back on the set*  
  
Vash: *comes running in carrying random guy* Hey guys, I brought a friend!  
  
Guy: Put me down!  
  
Shingai: Don't we have enough chaos with just one guest?  
  
Vash: I guess not! *^_^* And he thought he recommended a good chaperone for Milly, the liar!!!!!!  
  
Guy: HEY!!!!!!! I didn't know he was going to baby-sit a grown drunk chick, either.  
  
Vash: Well, you didn't ask!!!!!!  
  
Guy: It's still not my fault! And PUT ME DOWN!! I didn't think I had to- why is there a corpse on the floor?!  
  
Saitou and Shingai: Long story.  
  
Guy: Whatever....LATER!!!!!!! *breaks free of Vash's grasp and disappears in to nothingness*  
  
Saitou: How'd he do that?!  
  
Vash: HUH?! HEY!!!!!!! He's gone!!!!! *once again notices Shingai*.... Hi, Shingai-san.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Shingai: Hi.  
  
Saitou: Great. My show has got to be the worst on the air. Not to mention random.  
  
Shingai: With sky high ratings.  
  
Saitou: How do you know? Since when do you pay attention to the news?  
  
Shingai: I don't, that's what the boss said.  
  
Saitou: Wait...boss? What boss? I thought I was the boss! The title of the show even has MY name in it!  
  
Shingai: Our sponsor, dumb ass.  
  
Saitou: Watch who you're calling a dumb ass.  
  
Shingai: What, gouge out my eyeballs and turn them around?  
  
Audience: * hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: Sadly, that's exactly what I mean. But no one ever takes me seriously.  
  
Shingai: There's a reason for that.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *glare*  
  
Shingai: What?  
  
Audience: *fell silent*  
  
Saitou: You know exactly what I'm talking about...  
  
Shingai: People only listen to you when you draw your sword.  
  
Saitou: Alright then... *draws katana*  
  
Shingai: What's on your mind?  
  
Saitou: Um... *^___^* Wait, never mind... Hurting you is on my mind right now, actually.  
  
Shingai: *smiles and nods politely*  
  
Saitou: Stop with the Kenshin act.  
  
Shingai: What are you talking about?  
  
Vash: Who's Kenshin? Is he an old boyfriend, Shingai? Something you want to tell me?  
  
Shingai: No, an old adversary.  
  
Vash: Adversary? You didn't kill him, did you? Killing is bad. Rem said so.  
  
Shingai: I wish.  
  
Vash: Wish what, dear Shingai? *grabs her hands and looks in her eyes*  
  
Shingai: Je veux mourir.  
  
Saitou: Oh my God, she speaks French...  
  
Vash: Why ever would you want to die, Shingai?  
  
Shingai: I speak something else, too.  
  
Saitou: And what is that?  
  
Shingai: Pain.  
  
Saitou: Vash, you asked her why she wanted to die, right? I could gratify that wish...  
  
Vash: What do you mean? I'm scared!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Good, you should be...  
  
Vash: *Angel Arm appears and he stands in front of Shingai* I WILL NOT LET YOU HARM HER!!!  
  
Saitou: OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!  
  
Vash: Meet the Angel Arm.  
  
Saitou: *nozzle of the Angel Arm pointed at his nose* You CAN put that away now, you know...  
  
Vash: Do you PROMISE not to harm Shingai-san?!?!!?!?!?!  
  
Saitou: Yeah, yeah, sure. JUST PUT THAT DAMN THING AWAY!  
  
Vash: All right, along as she is safe. One problem, though.  
  
Saitou: And what is that?  
  
Vash: I really don't know how to put it way.  
  
Saitou: You...what?!?!  
  
Vash: Plus, I can't really control it.  
  
Saitou: Am I in trouble?  
  
Vash: Hey, I wouldn't have done it if I thought you weren't going to hurt Shingai-san. Not really anyway.  
  
Saitou: .......  
  
Shingai: Don't I feel special.  
  
Vash: Yes you are, Shingai-san.  
  
Saitou: ......  
  
Vash: What?! You disagree?!?!!?!?!??!!?! *left eye twitching*  
  
Saitou: It's not that I disagree...How can I disagree with you when you have that thing in my face?!  
  
Vash: Well, you should have thought of that when you threatened Shingai- san!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You NEVER, and I mean NEVER threaten Vash the Stampede's women!!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Wow, for the first time on this show, someone actually called me a woman.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: Whatever...do you think you could TRY and put that thing away now? If it goes off, the whole town is going up in flames...  
  
Vash: I've tried to try, but I fail every time trying to try to try.  
  
Audience: * O.o*  
  
Saitou: What is that supposed to mean?  
  
Shingai: In just plain English.....he can't.  
  
Audience: Ooh! *confused laughter*  
  
Saitou: How come you are the only one who can understand this strange man?  
  
Shingai: Just lucky I guess...  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: Lucky? You say the possibility of accidentally being disintegrated any second by that thing any minute LUCKY?!  
  
Vash: You don't understand me, Saitou-san?  
  
Saitou: Not really...  
  
Vash: Well are you trying? In order for you to try to understand me, you must try to try to understand and listen well. Or maybe I'm just trying to try too hard. Well, I'll try to try be more...well...I'll try to be to more clear. So let's give it a try!!! If she's not trying to try to understand without trying, you should try, too.  
  
Saitou: *-_-*  
  
Audience: * @.@*  
  
Saitou: Can you believe I understood that?  
  
Shingai: Do you need another translation oh great and powerful one?  
  
Saitou: I said I actually UNDERSTOOD that!  
  
Audience: *claps*  
  
Shingai: To be completely honest...no.  
  
Saitou: 'No' what?  
  
Shingai: No as in, no I don't believe you to comprehend that.  
  
Saitou: Well I did!!  
  
Shingai: Want a prize?  
  
Saitou: Shut it, Shingai.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Shingai: All yours.  
  
Saitou: *glares at audience*  
  
Audience: *falls silent*  
  
Vash: Why do you like to scare people, Saitou-san?  
  
Saitou: Be...cause...it's fun?  
  
Vash: I worry about you, Saitou-san.  
  
Saitou: And I you. At least I can keep my woman around.  
  
Vash: What woman are you referring to? It seems as though you have more than one. *glares at the female audience*  
  
Saitou: Uh, yeah...that...Well in this case, I'm talking about my WIFE!  
  
Female audience: Ahhhh!  
  
Vash: But she is not here, and I don't see her in the audience.  
  
Saitou: That's because...she's at my house...duh...  
  
Vash: Well, it's not like I had one.  
  
Saitou: I feel pity for you, Vash the Stampede. A wife is an incredible thing.  
  
*at Saitou's house*  
  
Tokio: *hears what Saitou just said* Awww...He's never said anything like that before...  
  
*back on the set*  
  
Vash: An angel arm is an incredible thing.  
  
Saitou: I'll take your word for it...  
  
Vash: Good!!!!!....Where do you think we should bury Meryl? *stares at the corpse*  
  
Saitou: I assume we can find a suitable ditch for her...  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *smug look on his face*  
  
Saitou: Yes?  
  
Vash: Nothing.  
  
Saitou: Oh no, you don't. What were you going to say?  
  
Vash: Never mind. *said so innocently*  
  
Saitou: *glare* Say it!  
  
Vash: Do you really want me to say it?  
  
Saitou: Must I really repeat myself?  
  
Vash: Yeah, it would be nice t-  
  
Shingai: Don't even say it.  
  
Saitou: Well? Are you going to say it, or not?  
  
Vash and Shingai: You're not going to like it.  
  
Saitou: Just tell me!!  
  
Vash: Why are you such a tight-ass all the time?  
  
Saitou: *glare*  
  
Vash: We told you, but you're always seem in a bad mood.  
  
Saitou: What do you mean 'you already told me'? You told me something I already knew! Tokio tells me that all the time.  
  
Vash: Oh!!!!! But why?  
  
Saitou: That is none of your business...  
  
Shingai: Just accept him for who he is....  
  
Saitou: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Shingai: Don't tell me you're trading in your evil stares and glares for happy happy joy joy smiles and grins.....?  
  
Saitou: What the hell did you just say?  
  
Shingai: Are you changing from evil to good or what?  
  
Saitou: Who gave you that idea?  
  
Shingai: Forget it, you're confused again.  
  
Audience: * laughter*  
  
Saitou: I am not!  
  
Vash: Yes you are!!!!!!! Awww, Shingai, he's s-  
  
Shingai: Don't say it.  
  
Saitou: Say what?  
  
Shingai: If you do, you're only making your death wish.  
  
Saitou: I do not have a death wish. The only one who can match my power is the Battousai.  
  
Vash: And he surpasses you, too.  
  
Saitou: *glare* That has never happened in the entire Rurouni Kenshin and Samurai X series.  
  
Shingai: *-__-;* You done did it.  
  
Vash: What....? But isn't Kenshin better? I saw the show!!!!!!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: I didn't know they had Rurouni Kenshin on Planet Gunsmoke.... I didn't know they had ANY anime on Planet Gunsmoke...  
  
Vash: Uh huh!!!!!! It comes on every Saturday morning!!!!!!!! I've never missed a single episode!!!!! *pouts in pride*  
  
Saitou: Okay, okay...Don't lose sleep over it...  
  
Vash: Okay!!!!  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;*  
  
Vash: Then, I have another question!!!  
  
Saitou: *rolls eyes* What now?  
  
Vash: How do you get your hair like that and stay that way?  
  
Saitou: I could ask you the same question, broom head...  
  
Vash: Oh it's simple!!!!! Baby oil!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Why am I not surprised?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;*  
  
Vash: How do you do hair, Shingai-san?  
  
Audience: *-__-;;*  
  
Saitou: Hey! I haven't answered you yet!  
  
Shingai: Some people use what you call a comb and brush.  
  
Vash: Oh yeah! I've heard of those!!  
  
Shingai: I hope so.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: And the cool one still gets ignored...  
  
Fan Girls: WE still love you, Saitou!!!  
  
Vash: Ooh!!!!!! Where's the cool one?!?!!?!?!?!?!  
  
Audience: * hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;;* Right here, imbecile...  
  
Vash: Awww man!!!!! I thought you were serious!!!!! *snaps finger*  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;;;*  
  
Vash: Can I have a quarter?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;;* Shingai, he likes you. You do something!  
  
Shingai: But didn't you just tell me to stop talking?  
  
Saitou: Just...shut him up!  
  
Shingai: Okay, Vash....? *innocently said*  
  
Vash: Am I in trouble?  
  
Legato: *comes in* You are now...  
  
Shingai: ......  
  
Vash: *O.O* But...I...killed you...  
  
Legato: Well, you didn't.  
  
Vash: But I did! I was sure of it!  
  
Legato: And to think I could kill every man, woman, and child here if I wanted to. The power of death is intoxicating.  
  
Saitou: How did you get in here?  
  
Legato: Your only concern is to keep your ratings up.  
  
Saitou: And you can help me do that?  
  
Legato: Maybe. What is he doing here?  
  
Saitou: He's a guest...I was forced to invite him.  
  
Legato: How depressing.  
  
Saitou: Exactly my point.  
  
Legato: Finally, some genius killed the bitch.  
  
Saitou: Thank you.  
  
Legato: And who's this? *looks at Shingai*  
  
Vash: I SAW HER FIRST!!! *hugs Shingai tightly*  
  
Shingai: Here we go again.  
  
Vash: What? I am just trying to protect you from this monster!  
  
Saitou: Who's the monster here?  
  
Shingai: I can take care of myself, I have my own kind of protection.  
  
Vash: But the women I love NEED me!!!!! *begins to cry, still clutching Shingai* He's the monster!!!!!! *points at Legato*  
  
Shingai: *gasping for breath*  
  
Saitou and Legato: *-_-;* *look at each other* Stop doing what I am doing! No, you! You first!! YOU!!!  
  
Shingai: *x.x*  
  
Saitou and Legato: Leave me alone! No you! Go away!! YOU!!  
  
Vash: *trembling, still holding Shingai* SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou and Legato: *fold their arms across their chests and turn their backs on each other*  
  
Vash: That's better.  
  
Saitou and Legato: *stick their tongues out at Vash*  
  
Vash: But she's mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: *x.x*  
  
Saitou: How did this start again?...Vash, let go of Shingai, she's suffocating...wait...never mind...  
  
Vash: MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *grabs her tighter*  
  
Shingai: *x.x*  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: *steps closer to Vash, but then remembers he still has the Angel Arm out* Uh, Vashie-san, would you please let her go, at least a little bit?  
  
Vash: Mine!!!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: *turning blue*  
  
Legato: *suppressing giggles* This is great...  
  
Legato: *hand over his mouth* Why...heh heh...yes it is...especially since you are the one causing it...You're the one torturing her, remember?  
  
Vash: Oh!!!!!! Shingai-san!!!!!! *finally releases her*  
  
Shingai: *panting, turns back to normal color*  
  
Saitou and Legato: Damn, it was just getting good...  
  
Saitou: Oh no, not this again.  
  
Vash: What?!!?!?!?!? Tell me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Legato: What do you mean 'what'? Don't be stupid...*smacks Vash*  
  
Vash: Shingai-san!!!!!!!!!! *said in fear*  
  
Shingai: What now?  
  
Vash: Hold me!!!!!!!!! *puts arms around her waist*  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Legato: Get off her, she doesn't want you. *smacks Vash again*  
  
Shingai: And, aren't you the one with the Angel Arm? Hold yourself.  
  
Legato: You know he's just a 100 year old plant, don't you?  
  
Shingai: Oh yeah.  
  
Saitou: How come I didn't know this?  
  
Shingai: Because.  
  
Saitou: *-_-;*  
  
Shingai: Any more questions?  
  
Saitou: Yeah, will you go away?  
  
Shingai: Fine. *starts to get up*  
  
Vash: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: BOO!!!!!!! *starts throwing trash at Saitou*  
  
Saitou: She's the one that wants to! Alright, if that's how it's going to be...I will leave!  
  
Vash: And YOU asked her!!!!!!!!!  
  
Girl Fans: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Sorry ladies, no one wants me here! *gets up to leave*  
  
Girl Fans: WE DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Too late. *leaves*  
  
Legato: Stop!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: *pops head back in* Yes?  
  
Legato: Are you really going to waste your career because you don't like your best but sarcastic friend as your co-host?  
  
Saitou: .......  
  
Vash: *O.O* I didn't know you had it in you, Legato-san.  
  
Legato: SILENCE!!!!!!!! *smacks Vash once again*  
  
Vash: Owie! *holds cheek*  
  
Legato: Quiet, before I strike at you, again!  
  
Saitou: *comes back in* I am not sitting back down until all the wrongs have been righted.  
  
Legato: Enlighten me.  
  
Saitou: Apologize, every one of you!  
  
Legato, Vash, and Shingai: FOR WHAT?!  
  
Saitou: ....That's it... *leaves for good*  
  
Legato, Vash, and Shingai: OKAY!!!!!!!......Sorry, Saitou-san!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: *comes back in, laughing* I got you all good!  
  
Legato, Vash, and Shingai: *_*  
  
Saitou: You know this whole thing was a set up, correct?  
  
Legato, Vash, and Shingai: *_*  
  
Saitou: *to the audience* Thanks for your cooperation, all!  
  
Audience: *^-^*  
  
Saitou: *smiles slightly*  
  
Vash: You know, this is the first time I've seen you truly smile this whole time...  
  
Legato: .....imbecile......  
  
Shingai: ......  
  
Saitou: Don't push it, people. The show's almost over anyway.  
  
Vash: But I still don't have my okra!  
  
Legato and Shingai: Oh God... HEY!!!!! Now we're doing it!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!...... SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Someone Backstage: *comes in and gives Vash some okra*  
  
Vash: Thank you, dude!!!!!!!!  
  
Someone Backstage: *goes back stage*  
  
Vash: My mommy used to make it!!!!! *^_^*  
  
Legato: B-  
  
Shingai: Just let him have his moment.  
  
Saitou: Okay, folks, that's all the time we have! Until next time, when we have...Tsukasa, Bear and Mimiru from .hack//SIGN!!!  
  
Audience: *claps and files out*  
  
Saitou and Shingai: Now, both you get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vash: *leaves while eating his okra*  
  
Legato: *salutes Saitou* I commend you for your efforts, Sir. You would be a worthy adversary! *leaves*  
  
Saitou and Shingai: Until next week! *wave* 


	3. Ep 3 Blackmail, Plain and Simple

Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour  
  
This story was written and co-written by Raoulak and Marina  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own Hajime Saitou or his guests.  
  
Catchy Theme Song:  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!  
  
Tsukasa: In search of the key of the Twilight!  
  
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!  
  
Shingai: One might say my my my!!  
  
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san, your so sexy I could just die!  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!  
  
Tsukasa: In search of the key of the Twilight!  
  
Saitou: Keep it going! Almost there!  
  
Mimiru: Hajime Saitou!  
  
Shingai: Hajime Saitou!  
  
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!  
  
Saitou: *smirk*  
  
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!! You're so sexy! I could just die!  
  
Both: Your fame is being haunted!  
  
Saitou: Alright, that's enough! Let's start....Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!  
  
Burly manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: *applause*  
  
Saitou: Did I not just say that?! Alright, let's start the show! We have three awesome guests, Tsukasa, Bear, and Mimiru from .hack//SIGN!!  
  
Bear, Mimiru, and Tsukasa: *sit in guest chairs*  
  
Saitou and Shingai: *sit in their appropriate chairs*  
  
Mimiru: Hola amigos!  
  
Audience: HOLA!  
  
Saitou: Can you all believe this is the third episode? It's actually been going quite well for us. Bear, what do you think of my show so far?  
  
Saitou: Just pretty good?  
  
Bear: Yes, is there a problem?  
  
Tsukasa: Honestly, I think it's quite depressing. It's so sad here without Aura. I miss her...  
  
Mimiru: Oh suck it up you big baby!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Well, you're charming.  
  
Saitou: What do you think, Mimiru?  
  
Mimiru: Oh, why, thank you!!!!!! Huh? ....Uhhh, it's okay I guess.  
  
Saitou: What is wrong with you people? My show is awesome! Actually, you're right, it sucks.  
  
Shingai: Yeah, it sucks ass.  
  
Mimiru: Is that possible?  
  
Bear: You don't have to answer that question if you don't want to Miss...uh...what did you say your name was?  
  
Shingai: Yeah, it sucks the energy right out of your ass. Um...it's Shingai.  
  
Mimiru: Ha! You don't even know your own name!  
  
Shingai: Yes, and you're questioning the power of cliché.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Mimiru: Cliché? I don't get it...  
  
Shingai: I can see why.  
  
Tsukasa: Mimiru, just shut up, you sound ignorant.  
  
Saitou: Thank you.  
  
Tsukasa: I swear, you talk too much!  
  
Saitou: You talking to me?  
  
Shingai: No, the ever-so ignorant one.  
  
Tsukasa: Yes, I don't know how I get cursed with such idiot friends.  
  
Mimiru: Just lucky, I guess.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: Idiot, huh? I hate to play the devil's advocate, here...actually I don't, but that's besides the point...But Tsukasa, why do you feel this way?  
  
Tsukasa: Look around you, besides your wise co-host, you're in contact with an over-emotional brunette and a Celtic kind of person. And to put it all together, those aren't even their real appearances. Just be happy that the other crazy ones aren't here.  
  
Saitou: Shingai? Wise? No way! She hasn't been alive long enough to be...  
  
Tsukasa: At least she knows the difference between cliché, sarcasm, and seriousness.  
  
Saitou: Will you stop it? You're getting me in a bad mood...  
  
Tsukasa and Shingai: What, you weren't in one already?  
  
Bear: You're being too hard on us all, Tsukasa...Wait, did you say I was a Celtic person? It's German, thank you!  
  
Tsukasa: Whatever, you got on blue makeup, Celts wear it. Big deal.  
  
Saitou: Easy on the snide comments there, Shingai...  
  
Shingai: ......  
  
Tsukasa: Leave her alone, she can do what she wants.  
  
Bear: Tsukasa, if you are going to be like this, no one, not even Aura, will want to be around you.  
  
Saitou: And you don't tell me what to do, little boy!  
  
Mimiru: And I do know the difference about all 3 of those......what were they called again?  
  
Saitou: Give it a rest...  
  
Tsukasa: Aura is not my concern right now, I'm not a little boy, no you don't, and who did you just say that to?  
  
Saitou: What did you just say?  
  
Shingai: He just answered all of your commands, and he's asking are you telling him to give it a rest or are you talking to what's-her-face.  
  
Mimiru: The name's Mimiru!  
  
Saitou: I was talking to the both of you...  
  
Tsukasa: That's a good name for you, What's-your-face. I'll call you that from now on.  
  
Mimiru: I should slap you for that! It's no way to talk to a lady! And why are telling me to give it a rest, Saitou? I haven't done anything!!!!!!!!  
  
Shingai and Tsukasa: *laugh hysterically*......oh!!!! Were you serious?  
  
Mimiru: *fuming*  
  
Bear: I honestly think we should all just get along.  
  
Saitou: Why would we want to do that? Arguments make things more interesting!  
  
Shingai: Exactly!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Thank you!  
  
Tsukasa: What were you thinking, when you said that, Bear?!  
  
Bear: I am just looking into the interests of all...  
  
Mimiru: Hey...Tsukasa...  
  
Tsukasa: Yes, What's-your-face?  
  
Mimiru: Grr...I was just asking if you wanted me to tell what you and Subaru did last week....  
  
Tsukasa: Why not. I need a good laugh.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Tsukasa: Proceed, What's-your-face.  
  
Mimiru: They did that thing...mph!  
  
Tsukasa: *has hand over Mimiru's mouth* I didn't know you meant THAT!!! Women!!!!!!  
  
Mimiru: *pulls his hand off* Eww! You touched me! Besides...you're the one who didn't question what I was gonna say! If you don't want me to say anything, you better be nice to me!  
  
Tsukasa: Then give me a reason to be nice to you!  
  
Mimiru: If you don't want me to tell them in detail what happened between you two...you better! I am good at lurking and eaves dropping, you know!  
  
Tsukasa: .....  
  
Bear: I pity your future husband.  
  
Tsukasa: You imply that someone is stupid enough to marry her.  
  
Shingai: Or someone from this planet?  
  
Saitou: Can I say something?  
  
Tsukasa and Shingai: You just did.  
  
Saitou: *-_-;* Well I am going to say it anyway. You all know that Tsukasa is a girl in the real world, right?  
  
Tsukasa: Are you saying I'm gay?  
  
Saitou: I do research on my guests, you know.  
  
Mimiru: Please don't tell me I've been stalking a chick?!?!?!?!!?  
  
Tsukasa: I just...like her...is all...  
  
Mimiru: What I saw says otherwise...  
  
Bear and Shingai: .......  
  
Saitou: This is getting interesting...  
  
Shingai: Ain't it, though?  
  
Bear: I am sure there is a logical explanation for all this...  
  
Shingai: What besides the point that she's only good at blackmailing and he speaks the truth?  
  
Saitou: I love my job...wait, did I just say that?  
  
Shingai: Because for once, we're the ones getting entertainment.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: That is so true...  
  
Shingai: I live to enlighten thee with the truth.  
  
Saitou: Are you saying that I am stupid?  
  
Shingai: No, I just I interpret what you don't understand.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: So you're saying I am stupid. Hey, who did you come CRYING to when you needed a job?  
  
Shingai: Well, how much of our guests' dialect did you understand? And, no, no one cares about your problems.  
  
Audience: * laughter*  
  
Mimiru: No one ever listens to me!!!!!!!! *pouts*  
  
Tsukasa and Shingai: 'Cause you never say anything worth listening to!!!!  
  
Mimiru: Bear, make them stop!!  
  
Bear: Well, you should say something important next time.  
  
Mimiru: That's so mean!  
  
Audience: * laughter*  
  
Mimiru: Stop with the mean-ness!!  
  
Tsukasa: For once in your pathetic lifetime, can you do us all a favor and just-  
  
Shingai: Shut the hell up!!!!!  
  
Audience: * laughter/applause*  
  
Saitou: Took the words right out of my mouth.  
  
Shingai: You're welcome.  
  
Saitou: *-_-*  
  
Mimiru: Is all you're about is being an obnoxious bitch?!  
  
Shingai: Basically.  
  
Saitou: Thank you, finally someone said that.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Mimiru: You talking to me? *glassy eyed*  
  
Saitou: Yes...  
  
Mimiru: I think I love you.  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;* Uh...sure...  
  
Tsukasa: Don't mind her; she'll fall in love with anyone who talks nicely to her.  
  
Saitou: Well, I don't blame her....  
  
Shingai: And I'm assuming that's rare.  
  
Bear: Very.  
  
Saitou: But I mean, can you blame her? I am very lovable...just ask Tokio...and the girls in the audience! *waves to them*  
  
Some Girl Fans: *faints*  
  
Other Girl Fans: *scream* WE LOVE YOU SUPER SUAVE SEXY SAITOU-SAMA!!!!  
  
Shingai: You're not lovable, it's just your expression, the hairdo, and your ever-so randomized intellect.  
  
Saitou: I should slap you...  
  
Fan Girls: Get her, Saitou! We love you!  
  
Shingai: And maybe if you do it hard enough, you'll possibly kill me and put me out my misery.  
  
Tsukasa: Can you slap me, too?  
  
Saitou: Misery, eh? My pleasure... *evil grin*  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Tsukasa: So, are you going to do it?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *-_-* You really are a poor depressed psycho child. You enjoy pain, don't you? You seem to be wallowing in it?  
  
Tsukasa: So, your point is....?  
  
Saitou: You need help. That's my point.  
  
Tsukasa: Death is better. It beats being publicly televised with a bitchy brunette, a Celtic wannabe, a sane but very obnoxious chick, and a spider- haired host.  
  
Saitou: Spider...Well if you hate us all so much, leave!  
  
Tsukasa: That's a good idea. Best idea I have heard all day. I'll go see if I can't find Subaru...*gets up*  
  
Saitou: Bye! *waves happily*  
  
Mimiru: You better sit down, before I let it all out!!!!!  
  
Tsukasa: Brunettes. *sits back down*  
  
Saitou: What did you do THAT for?  
  
Tsukasa and Shingai: Blackmail, plain and simple.  
  
Saitou: Well that was stupid. The he-she was actually about to leave.  
  
Tsukasa: Whatever, you spider haired former Samurai.  
  
Bear: There's a better word for he-she.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: At least I am good at something! The only thing you're good at is complaining...oh yeah, and being gay!  
  
Tsukasa: She's the one stalking me!  
  
Saitou: And she's good at it! Not as good as me, but that's a different story.  
  
Tsukasa: Oh!!!?! YOU, the great and powerful, Hajime Saitou, a stalker?!  
  
Saitou: When I choose to be so. How else did I know you are really a girl who has a thing for girls?  
  
Mimiru: Ooh!!! The possibilities!!!!!!!!!  
  
Tsukasa and Shingai: Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: I am a hacker among other things... The list is endless!  
  
Tsukasa: Figures.  
  
Saitou: Assassin is one of them...all of which are traceless...  
  
Tsukasa: ....  
  
Bear: I used to be an assassin.  
  
Saitou: Would you like to help in the disposal of this twerp?  
  
Tsukasa: No you didn't! Be quiet!!!!!  
  
Bear: Make me!  
  
Tsukasa: I want proof that you're a former assassin, Celt!!!!  
  
Mimiru: You're not going to dispose of me, are you?! *glassy eyed*  
  
Saitou: You talking to me?  
  
Tsukasa: I will, if you don't shut the hell up!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: You have been talking more than her, recently!  
  
Mimiru: How dare you threaten a lady as delicate as me?!  
  
Tsukasa: You, a lady?! Don't make me laugh again.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Mimiru: I am a lady!!!!!! Right, Saitou-donu?  
  
Saitou: Um...sure?  
  
Mimiru: *^_^*  
  
Mimiru: Sorry!!!!  
  
Saitou: You should be.  
  
Tsukasa: Just tell her the truth, the rest of us are aware of it.  
  
Saitou: Have you noticed she shuts up quicker when you lie to her?  
  
Mimiru: *isn't listening to Saitou, is staring at him starry-eyed, and clinging to his arm*  
  
Tsukasa: But shuts up longer when you don't.  
  
Saitou: Uh, can you let go now?  
  
Mimiru: Sorry sorry!!!!!! *lets go instantly*  
  
Saitou: And stop apologizing! It's annoying!  
  
Mimiru: Sorry!!!!!!!!!!! Woops!!!!!! Sorry!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;*  
  
Bear: Oh, goodness!! She's fallen for you.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Tsukasa: How did you guess?  
  
: Saitou: No need to ask; I am in trouble.  
  
Tsukasa and Bear: We know.  
  
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!  
  
Tsukasa and Bear: ......You have no idea........  
  
Mimiru: Would you like to go out for coffee after the show?  
  
Saitou: No, I don't believe I do. *to Mimiru* Hun, I'm married. Besides...I think I am a little too old for you...  
  
Mimiru: She's such a lucky woman!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Uh huh...  
  
Mimiru: Divorce her!!!!!!!! If you do, I'll make the happiest, and I mean happiest, man ever!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;;* No thanks, I do not gain pleasure in taking advantage of fourteen year old girls...  
  
Mimiru: Party pooper.  
  
Saitou: How would you even know how to make a man happy?  
  
Mimiru: I'm good at juggling!!!!!  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;;*  
  
Bear and Tsukasa: *-____-:::*  
  
Saitou: Then you have no worries; I will be completely satisfied for the rest of my life by a little child who juggles...  
  
Mimiru: Really?! *glassy eyed*  
  
Saitou: No...  
  
Mimiru: Oh. *-_-*  
  
Saitou: Yeah... So give it a rest...  
  
Mimiru: Never!!!!!!!!*stands up with a fist* I will keep trying to until you give in!!!!  
  
Bear: That's so sad, it isn't even funny.  
  
Saitou: *knocks on Mimiru's head* Get it through your thick skull, little girl! I AM MARRIED!!! HAPPILY!  
  
Tsukasa: Only if you're the victim, Exhibit A.  
  
Saitou: Excuse me?  
  
Mimiru: But I love you, Saitou-donu!!!!  
  
Saitou: Well, I don't love you. So sorry.  
  
Mimiru: *holds Saitou's hands* That's all right, I have enough love for both of us!!!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *yanks hands away from her* Never touch me like that again...  
  
Mimiru: Okay, but I still love you, Hajime-donu!!!!!  
  
Saitou: Tell someone who cares.  
  
Mimiru: Tsukasa, Bear, Shingai, ladies and gentlemen, I love Hajime Saitou- san with all my heart!!!!  
  
Saitou: *-_____-;;;*  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Mimiru: This isn't supposed to be funny! Love is not a joke, take it seriously!  
  
Tsukasa: We will when you grow up.  
  
Mimiru: I fulfilled your task, Hajime-donu!  
  
Saitou: And what was my task?  
  
Mimiru: To tell someone who cares!  
  
Saitou: You take everything too seriously...  
  
Mimiru: Sorry!!!  
  
Saitou: Again with the apologizing...  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;;*  
  
Tsukasa: Who suggested for her to come?  
  
Saitou: It better not have been you...I'll kill you...  
  
Tsukasa: What am I, desperate?!  
  
Saitou: For women you seem to be...  
  
Tsukasa: Shut up.  
  
Saitou: I'd like to see you try and make me.  
  
Tsukasa: Just do your job and ask your stupid little questions!  
  
Saitou: Stupid, huh? I'll show you stupid... *shakes fist*  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *punches Tsukasa in the jaw*  
  
Tsukasa: You blow such lovely kisses!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *grabs Tsukasa, throws him to the floor, and starts pummeling him*  
  
Audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!  
  
Saitou: *pulls Tsukasa back up, does a running leap and tackles him back to the ground*  
  
Audience: SAITOU! SAITOU! SAITOU!  
  
Saitou: *pulls Tsukasa's arms behind his back and twists them until he hears them snap*  
  
Tsukasa: Yes!!!!! More! More! More!  
  
Saitou: *throws Tsukasa back in his chair* You're sick!!  
  
Tsukasa: Awww man!!! Why'd you stop?!  
  
Saitou: Because I pity you. Greatly. Besides what would your lov...Subaru do if I killed you?  
  
Tsukasa: She's not my love, and it's not my problem.  
  
Saitou: Well, Mimiru's evidence would say otherwise...  
  
Tsukasa: Like I care about either of them. Has your mother ever told you to not believe everything you hear?  
  
Mimiru: I have the pictures right here! *holds them up*  
  
Saitou: Give them to me! *takes them from her*  
  
Tsukasa: Probably morphs.  
  
Saitou: OH MY..... YOU DID THAT?!?! THAT IS NO MORPH!!!  
  
Tsukasa: Whatever, I know the truth.  
  
Saitou: And that would be?  
  
Tsukasa: Can you like, get off the subject?!  
  
Saitou: Look at these, Shingai, and tell me what you think... *hands them to her*  
  
Shingai: Hmm......Looks pretty real to me.  
  
Saitou: That's what I said.  
  
Bear: Can I see it? Tsukasa?!  
  
Tsukasa: Can I have those...?  
  
Saitou: Don't give them back to him! Give them to me! *takes them back*  
  
Bear: Okay!!! No need to snatch!  
  
Mimiru: So how's that for evidence? *^_^*  
  
Bear: I never knew that side of you or Subaru!!!! Eww...*cringes*  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: You have done well, Mimiru. This is actually something to be proud of. There's nothing in the world like good black mail.  
  
Mimiru: Anything for you, Hajime-donu!!! *glassy eyed*  
  
Saitou: Whatever...  
  
Mimiru: Are you pleased with me?  
  
Saitou: Sure...whatever... But I'm keeping these if it's alright with you.  
  
Mimiru: I love you, Hajime-donu.  
  
Saitou: Okay...  
  
Mimiru: Oh my God!!!!!!!!!! He actually wants something I made!!! This is the best day of my life!!! *faints*  
  
Saitou: *-_-;;;*  
  
Mimiru: *pops back up* Okay, I'm fine!  
  
Bear and Tsukasa: Damn.  
  
Saitou: *snaps fingers*  
  
Bear: I like this show, but is there any way she or I can leave? I can't take it any more!  
  
Mimiru: Oh, come now!! I'm not that bad!!  
  
Saitou: I can have you both leave if you want...  
  
Tsukasa: Yes you are.  
  
Bear: Just one or the other, I don't care who it is.  
  
Saitou: Okay! Security!  
  
Security: *comes in and removes both Bear and Mimiru*  
  
Tsukasa: That makes my life that much better!!! Thank you!  
  
Subaru: *comes in and sits next to Tsukasa:: Hello...  
  
Tsukasa: Hello, what are you doing here?  
  
Subaru: I was told to come as a back up.  
  
Tsukasa: All right, better you than those two.  
  
Subaru: Whatever you say... *leans her head on Tsukasa*  
  
Saitou: Uh, you know that Tsukasa is a girl in real life, right?  
  
Subaru: Yes. I am aware of it. Why, does that bother you? *snuggles closer to Tsukasa*  
  
Saitou: Just a little...  
  
Subaru: Why?  
  
Saitou: Because...it's just not right...In fact, it's so very wrong...  
  
Shingai: Very.  
  
Subaru: How is it wrong?  
  
Mithrandio323: Saitou: Girls and girls...it's just wrong...Because I say so.  
  
Subaru: That's silly.  
  
Saitou: No it's not, little girl.  
  
Subaru: If we love each other, what's the problem?  
  
Saitou: .......Just...everything.  
  
Subaru: You don't make sense.  
  
Saitou: And neither does...this...  
  
Tsukasa: I have a question.  
  
Saitou: Okay.  
  
Tsukasa: Who let you make a show? And who made you the host?!  
  
Saitou: I said you could ask the question. I didn't say I would answer it....Shingai, how about you answer this one?  
  
Shingai: Do I have to?  
  
Saitou: Do you want to have a job next week?  
  
Shingai: Who will I be working for?  
  
Saitou: Right now you are working for me, and if you do not answer this question, you will no longer have a job on this show.  
  
Shingai: Can I get that in writing?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *holds a fist to her face* This is all the writing you need!  
  
Shingai: But I thought you didn't want me to talk.  
  
Saitou: You have my permission. If you don't answer this question in ten seconds, you will no longer be able to answer the question on account of you will be in the hospital.  
  
Shingai: Why not a mortuary?  
  
Saitou: 10...9...  
  
Saitou: 8...7...  
  
Saitou: 6...5...  
  
Saitou: 4....  
  
Saitou: 3...  
  
Saitou: 2...  
  
Shingai: Saitou and Saitou.  
  
Tsukasa: I figured.  
  
Saitou: What took you so long? And what do you mean by that?  
  
Tsukasa: Because she figured you're smart enough to answer a question given to you, and it's self-explanatory.  
  
Saitou: Would you like me to put YOU in a mortuary?  
  
Subaru: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING TO MY LITTLE TSUKASA-CHAN!!!!!!!  
  
Tsukasa: That's what I've been asking you to do all this time!!! And I told you to stop calling me that!!  
  
Subaru: *hugs Tsukasa* I will not let this evil man hurt a hair on your head, Tsukasa-chan, don't you worry. *kisses him*  
  
Tsukasa: Stop!  
  
Subaru: But...I love you...  
  
Tsukasa: *-_-;*  
  
Saitou: I am scared...Really I am...  
  
Tsukasa: Want a prize?  
  
Saitou: Shut up...  
  
Tsukasa: What is it that you're scared of?  
  
Saitou: You! This! All of it!  
  
Subaru: *still holding Tsukasa*  
  
Tsukasa: Then, shut the hell up and kill me off already!!!  
  
Saitou: I would gladly!  
  
Tsukasa: Thank you.  
  
Saitou: *unsheathes his katana and goes in Gatotsu stance* Farewell!  
  
*power goes out*  
  
Saitou: Hey! Who did that? Now I can't see my victim to kill him!  
  
Tsukasa: Why is it every time I'm about to get something I want, it gets taken away?!  
  
Subaru: I am still here for you, sweetie... *gropes him, but its dark so no one can see*  
  
Tsukasa: *~_-*....Stop!  
  
Subaru: No... *won't stop*  
  
Tsukasa: * attempting to shove her off* This isn't the place for that!  
  
Subaru: No one can see us! Why shouldn't we?  
  
Saitou: But we can hear you! Stop now!!  
  
Bear: What are you guys doing?!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: How'd you get back in here?!  
  
Bear: I have my ways, but what am I sitting on? It so soft and squishy!  
  
Shingai: Get the hell off of me!  
  
Saitou: Well, get the hell out, and Subaru, whatever you are doing, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Shingai: *gasping for breath*  
  
Bear: *scoots off* But why do I have to leave? Oh look, now what am I sitting on?  
  
Saitou: GET OFF ME AND GET OUTTA HERE, DAMMIT!!  
  
Bear: Ooops! Sorry! *scoots off again*  
  
Subaru: Hey!! Get off of us!!!  
  
Bear: Us? What are you two doing?  
  
Subaru: Getting squished by you!!! Now get off!!!  
  
Saitou: Bear....LEAVE!!!  
  
Bear: Okay, okay!!! *bumps into everyone going out*  
  
Tsukasa: *thinking: Ooh, I can wreak some serious havoc!*  
  
Subaru: Tsukasa?! Where'd you go?  
  
Tsukasa: *pours cold thick liquid all over Saitou, and puts bucket in Shingai's arm*  
  
*lights turn back on*  
  
Saitou: What the....Shingai? Why is everything knocked over? And why do I have syrup on my head?  
  
Shingai: What the hell?! What is this bucket doing in my arm?! I didn't do it! I swear!  
  
Saitou: *looks at Shingai* ........  
  
Shingai: I didn't, I swear!  
  
Saitou: How come I don't believe you? Wait, where's Tsukasa?  
  
Tsukasa: Right here, had to use the little uh- well, the bathroom.  
  
Saitou: And how come I don't believe YOU?  
  
Tsukasa: Why are you covered in syrup? * takes some off his face and licks his finger*  
  
Tsukasa: Mmm!!! ...Maple!!  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: *punches Tsukasa again*  
  
Tsukasa: So, do you want get cleaned up before you do it, or do you want to look sexy for your fans?  
  
Saitou: You're just asking for it, aren't you?  
  
Tsukasa: *shakes his head*  
  
Saitou: Is that a yes?  
  
Tsukasa: Yes.  
  
Saitou: Then haha, too bad. I'm not going to hit you if you WANT me to hit you.  
  
Tsukasa: Then, I will! *punches Saitou*  
  
Saitou: Haha, very funny. Let's see how you feel about this! *punches Subaru*  
  
Subaru: You jerk! *punches him back*  
  
Audience: *hysterical laughter*  
  
Saitou: That's not supposed to happen! Why didn't you hit me when I hit your boyfriend-girlfriend or whoever it is?  
  
Subaru: Because, he asked for it, you dumbass!  
  
Saitou: Shingai, a little help please!  
  
Shingai: In plain English, when Tsukasa gets hit, Subaru hits Saitou. When Subaru gets hit, Tsukasa hits Saitou.  
  
Saitou: So in other words, I'm screwed?  
  
Shingai: And when you get hit, I hit whoever hit you.  
  
Saitou: Okay then, that helps.  
  
Shingai: *smiles and nods politely*  
  
Saitou: *hits Subaru*  
  
Tsukasa: *hits Saitou*  
  
Saitou: *hits Tsukasa*  
  
Shingai: And not to mention, when I get hit, Saitou hits who hit me.  
  
Subaru: *hits Saitou*  
  
Saitou: Whatever, as long as I get to hit someone! *hits Subaru*  
  
Tsukasa: *hits Saitou*  
  
Subaru: *hits Shingai*  
  
Saitou: *hits Tsukasa then Subaru*  
  
Tsukasa: This is stupid!  
  
Saitou: You're right...Real men fight with katanas, not fists!  
  
Tsukasa: Hurry the hell up, and kill me!!!!  
  
Subaru: You kill Kasa-chan and I swear on her grave I will kill you....  
  
Tsukasa: Don't listen to her, and I told you to stop calling me that!  
  
Saitou: Shingai, you kill the he-she then, I am sick of sickos being on my show!  
  
Shingai: My pleasure!  
  
Saitou: What are you waiting for, do it!  
  
Shingai: *draws sword and makes Hwangjuaorang stance* *in one hit, slices Tsukasa in half*  
  
Audience: *standing ovation*  
  
Subaru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Not my baby!!!!  
  
Shingai: Finally, I get some action and entertainment!  
  
Saitou: There IS a God!  
  
Subaru: *sobbing*  
  
Shingai: And you thought I was just carrying this around to look tough!  
  
Mysterious Voice: Stop crying, dear lady, it doesn't suit you.  
  
Subaru: Huh? *stops crying and looks up* W-who said that?  
  
Mysterious Voice: It is I... *steps into the light* Krim the Crimson Lightning!!  
  
Subaru: Crimson!!!!! *hugs him* Did you just see that, Krim?! *points at Shingai and hides behind him*  
  
Krim: Yes I did. And I am so RELIEVED! The he-she was just too depressing for me...  
  
Subaru: What?! How dare you?! *slaps him*  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Krim: What was that for?! *holds face*  
  
Subaru: This little girl just killed my one true love!!!!! And here you are praising this....this little girl!!!  
  
Shingai: Again with the little girl business.  
  
Krim: Aren't you one of the same?  
  
Audience: OOOOHH!!  
  
Subaru: How dare you!!! *slaps him again*  
  
Krim: Ow...will you stop that, please? I did not come all the way here to be hit by you anymore!  
  
Subaru: Than give me a reason not to hit you!  
  
Krim: Everything I have said is true. So you're ultimately trying to protect yourself from...you...  
  
Subaru: But the only problem is, no one asked for the truth!!!  
  
Krim: How is that a problem? These good people deserve to know the truth, for putting up with you!  
  
Subaru: Hey, wait! What did you come here for?!  
  
Krim: Sure, change the subject...  
  
Subaru: It's not like anyone invited you here!!!  
  
Krim: And who invited you?  
  
Saitou: Ahem, Subaru! Stop being so ignorant! Of course he was invited!  
  
Subaru: Them!!! *points to Saitou and Shingai*  
  
Saitou: I did not have anything to do with that! Some of my underlings just persuaded me to LET you come, is all. And I never ensured your safety, so you can't sue me!  
  
Shingai: And I never invited you. So, leave us out of this.  
  
Saitou: My point exactly.  
  
Subaru: So why DID you invite him?  
  
Shingai: To make your life miserable. And so WE can have some fun, too.  
  
Saitou: Yes, that's it...That's my story and I'm sticking to it...  
  
Krim: Well I am glad I could be of service! *^_^*  
  
Subaru: That's not fair!!  
  
Krim: Life's not fair, sweetie.  
  
Shingai: No one said life would be fair, sweetheart.  
  
Subaru: So? I still want a GOOD reason why HE *points to Krim* is here!!  
  
Saitou: You're more of a whiner than that Mimi chick!  
  
Subaru: But the only difference is, I have a life and I'm not attracted to you.  
  
Saitou: I see one flaw in your theory.  
  
Saitou: If you had a life, you wouldn't spend it on a stupid video game all the time.  
  
Subaru: And if you had a life, you'd actually find a better, less obnoxious, older co-host who is fit for the job!!! I mean, you have a little a girl with a smart mouth!!!! Not to mention, better guests.  
  
Saitou: And you know you're one of them?  
  
Subaru: And I do not spend all my time playing a game!!!  
  
Shingai: Yet ironically, you're still playing.  
  
Saitou: Well, I don't plan to spend all my time at this show either...that's why it's only an hour...I don't play online all day like some people...  
  
Subaru: Maybe it's you that doesn't have a life or that little brat, either.  
  
Saitou: *punches Subaru*  
  
Krim: Hey, I may be a bit rude at some times, but I wouldn't hit a lady...Come on, Saitou...You have more tact than that...  
  
Saitou: No I don't! *punches her again*  
  
Subaru: See!!! You resolve your conflicts with violence!!!  
  
Krim: On second thought, that's not such a bad idea, Saitou. *punches Subaru*  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Subaru: Stop!!! Don't just stand there!!! Make them stop!!!  
  
Shingai: I'm a brat with no life, remember? *punches Subaru*  
  
Audience: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!  
  
Subaru: How can you all be behind this? It's three against one!  
  
Shingai: Easy, Krim holds you down; Saitou punches you while I scalp you.  
  
Saitou: You've got it all wrong...I can do all those things by myself!  
  
Krim and Shingai: But we wanna help.  
  
Saitou: But it's MY show!  
  
Shingai: Whatever.  
  
Krim: Yeah, I can have my turn later.  
  
Subaru: * all sweet like* What's that supposed to mean, Krimmie?  
  
Krim: Never call me that again if you value your life... You know, now that I think about it, she really doesn't act like a lady or deserve to be called one.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: I've been saying that all along.  
  
Subaru: Is that all you do is pick on young innocent girls?  
  
Shingai: Who said you were innocent?  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: Innocent? Pah... I've seen sluts more innocent than you...  
  
Shingai: And no telling how old you really are.  
  
Subaru: Well I know one thing.  
  
Saitou: You want a prize?  
  
Subaru: Well, don't you wanna know what is I know?  
  
Shingai: Not really.  
  
Audience: *laughter*  
  
Saitou: But we'll humor you, so what is the one thing you know?  
  
Subaru: I'm more innocent this brat. *points to Shingai*  
  
Krim: Sh'eah right!  
  
Saitou: And how would you know that?  
  
Subaru: 'Cause she's just a spoiled little brat!!!  
  
Saitou: And that's proof?  
  
Subaru: All she does is criticize and be rude!!!  
  
Saitou: Does that make her less innocent than you?  
  
Subaru: Exactly!!! *crosses her arms*  
  
Saitou: I still don't see how that is proof, I mean, at least she still has her virginity...I mean...  
  
Subaru: The question is, how do you know?  
  
Saitou: Because, I've been like a father to her ever since she was seven.  
  
Shingai: And maybe because, I don't have a boyfriend.  
  
Subaru: Sluts don't need boyfriends, honey.  
  
Saitou: And if you're putting it that way, you don't have any girlfriends either!  
  
Subaru: Well, she just killed her!!! And are you implying that I'm a slut?! Check with your little daughter wannabe, first!!  
  
Saitou: I'd rather not...you know I don't care, right?  
  
Subaru: Whatever, but I'm still more innocent than her.  
  
Krim: Get a life, man!  
  
Saitou: Sure, if you say so...  
  
Subaru: I'm not a man!  
  
Krim: Yeah, yeah. When's the show over, anyway?  
  
Saitou: *looks at watch* Um, like, now! Crap! I ran over!  
  
Subaru: That's what you get for picking on innocent little girls!  
  
Saitou: Sure...Now it's time to go, see you all, with the exception of a few people who are forbidden never to come back, next time! We have Inu- Yasha, Kagome, and Shippo from Inu-Yasha!! Good bye all! 


	4. Ep 4 Sit Boy and the Slap of Doom!

Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour  
  
This story was written and co-written by Raoulak and Marina  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own Hajime Saitou or his guests.  
  
Catchy Theme Song:  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!!  
  
Kagome: Lookin' for the shards of stuff and light!  
  
Saitou: Hajime Saitou, Hajime Saitou! You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!  
  
Shingai: One might say my my my!!  
  
Girly fan: Oh Saitou-san, you're so sexy I could just die!  
  
Shingai: Doo doo doo doo doo!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Feh.  
  
Saitou: --;...Keep it going! C'mon!  
  
Kagome: Hajime Saitou!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Hajime Saitou?!...Feh.  
  
Both: You should meet him, he's the funniest guy!  
  
Saitou: smirk  
  
Girly Fan: Oh Saitou-san!!! You're so sexy! I could just die!  
  
Both: Your fame is being haunted!  
  
Saitou: As much as I love this, let's stop and start the show, Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!  
  
Big manly man: And now for the Hajime Saitou Comedy Hour!!!!!  
  
Audience: applause  
  
Saitou: Did I not just say that?!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Just shut up and get on with it!  
  
Saitou: Okay, welcome everyone!! Tonight's special guests are Inu-Yasha and Kagome from...well...Inu-Yasha!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Feh.  
  
Kagome: Inu-Yasha, don't be so rude!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Kagome, don't be so nice!  
  
Kagome: Okay then, sit boy!  
  
Inu-Yasha: plop....Ahhhh...  
  
Saitou: So what brings you both to this side of the well?  
  
Inu-Yasha: These damn beads!! grasps black bead necklace  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Saitou: Why do you have them again? Refresh my memory.  
  
Inu-Yasha: Does it matter?!  
  
Kagome: When someone asks you a question, it's only polite to answer it, Inu-Yasha!  
  
Inu-Yasha: I answered a question with a question!!!! Answers can be a question, and you can you not question a question with a question and answer a question with a question? You got that?!  
  
Saitou: Nifty answer, sorry I asked...  
  
Inu-Yasha: Feh.  
  
Kagome: Inu-Yasha! Why are you being so difficult?!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Because I can.  
  
Kagome: --;...SIT!!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: falls to ground Ow....  
  
Kagome: Hmph.... Serves you right!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Right.  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Saitou: Uh-huh...well...that went well, don't you think?  
  
Shingai: Oh yeah, just perfect.  
  
Saitou: Shut up...I'm doing my best here...  
  
Inu-Yasha: gets up....Feh...what do you know, you're the one with the spider hair-do, now ask your stupid questions so I can go!  
  
Saitou: Spider hair, eh? Well how would you like this, dog-boy? Or should I say HALF dog-boy? pulls out a leash and collar and gives them to Kagome  
  
Inu-Yasha: You lookin' for a fight?!  
  
Saitou: You wouldn't stand a chance...  
  
Inu-Yasha: Want a bet?! draws Tetsusaiga  
  
Saitou: You can't possibly think you could harm a rat with that thing, do you?  
  
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, but I don't want to fight one right now, I have my eyes on you!  
  
Kagome and Shingai: Dearly not queerly.  
  
Saitou: Oh really...Don't think I don't know about your little sword, Inu- Yasha. You can only use it to protect someone, and I'm not about to hurt anyone here but you! Now, you're not only a Half-Dog-Boy, you're a Half- Dog-Half-Chicken-Boy.  
  
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, and what are you, half arachnid man?  
  
Audience: Ooooh!!!  
  
Saitou: Enough with the snide hair comments already, I can see you're just jealous.  
  
Inu-Yasha: Jealous of what?! You're bodacious idiot 'do and this pathetic show?!  
  
Saitou: I'll pretend you never said that... Kagome, what did you do with the leash I just gave you?  
  
Kagome: I have it with me. Should I get it out?  
  
Saitou: Yes please, and restrain the chicken-dog-boy.  
  
Kagome: If it shuts him up, SIT!!!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: plop Ow....  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Kagome: puts collar around Inu-Yasha There!  
  
Shippo: pops out of Kagome's bag I can't breathe in there, can I come out now?!  
  
Saitou: falls out of chair, startled Woah, what the hell is that?  
  
Kagome: Yes...it's safe now, Shippo.  
  
Shippo:   
  
Inu-Yasha: I thought I told you to stay at home, you little brat!  
  
Kagome: This is our friend, Shippo. Well, my friend anyway.  
  
Saitou: What's a Shippo?  
  
Shippo: Kagome said I could come! sticks tongue out at Inu-Yasha  
  
Saitou: No one still has answered my question...  
  
Shippo: That's my name!! And I'm a fox demon!  
  
Inu-Yasha: More like a midget demon...  
  
Kagome: hits Inu-Yasha over the head  
  
Inu-Yasha: Ow!!  
  
Saitou: I see...now what's that high pitched squeaking in my ear? Shingai, can you hear it too?  
  
Shingai: Uhhh...Saitou, what's that on your neck?  
  
Saitou: AAAAAAAAH!! GET IT OFF!!!  
  
Myoga: suck suck, gets bigger....Ahhhh, fresh blood.  
  
Saitou: IT'S A...THING!! GET IT OFF ME! runs around, swatting at his neck  
  
Shingai: pulls off Myoga ...Hmm, what is this?  
  
Myoga: Ack!! Put me down! I'm a flea, now leave me alone!  
  
Shingai: --;...It talks too....wow...  
  
Inu-Yasha: Gimme that! grabs Myoga from Shingai and puts him on his shoulder  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Saitou: sits back down  
  
Shingai: What....er who is that?  
  
Saitou: rubbing his neck  
  
Myoga: I am Myoga the flea, sworn to serve Lord Inu-Yasha!  
  
Inu-Yasha: But always flees when there's trouble...  
  
Myoga: Do not! Okay, maybe sometimes...  
  
Inu-Yasha: More like all the time...  
  
Shippo: Can I eat him now?!  
  
Kagome: Shippo!!!  
  
Shippo: What?! I'm hungry! You are the one who shoved me in there points to backpack remember?  
  
Kagome: Shippo, can't you eat later?  
  
Shippo: But I'm hungry now! cries  
  
Shingai: Uhhh, you can have the rest of my lunch if you want it; my mom always makes way too much for me.  
  
Shippo: YAY!! jumps back in the bag  
  
Shingai: Enjoy.  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Shippo: pops back out It's all gone!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Eh....  
  
Kagome: Inu-Yasha!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Hey, it was either the sandwich or him!  
  
Shingai: Oh.  
  
Saitou: Can I interject?  
  
Inu-Yasha: What now??  
  
Saitou: Damn it, Cindy, hold up the cue cards!! Okay, well...damn it, I forgot what I was going to say...  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Inu-Yasha: Feh...  
  
Shippo: Inu-Yasha!!! You ate my sandwich!!!  
  
Kagome: Actually it was my sandwich...  
  
Inu-Yasha: No, it was her sandwich!!! points to Shingai I tasted the difference!!!  
  
Saitou: How can you tell whose sandwich is whose? You never met Shingai until today!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Yes and her sandwiches taste better still.  
  
Kagome: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Inu-Yasha: Her sandwiches taste better, just what it says.  
  
Kagome: How would you know if my sandwiches taste better or not if you haven't tried mine?  
  
Inu-Yasha: Judging by all the other things you've made, it probably would taste worse.  
  
Kagome: Sit boy!  
  
Inu-Yasha: plop Oowww...  
  
Shippo: sits on Shingai's lap Inu-Yasha, you should be nicer to Kagome since you both like each other.  
  
Audience: AWWWWWW!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: What?!?!?!  
  
Shippo: Since you two like each other, you should be nicer.  
  
Audience: Awww...  
  
Inu-Yasha: Spiderman, will you hurry up and ask your dumb questions so I can leave?  
  
Saitou: Nice way to change the subject, eh? And don't call me that!!  
  
Saitou: Well, I don't. Spiderman is just a gay ass who wears tight cat suits to show off his you-know-what's.  
  
Inu-Yasha: Yeah, you're right. You only show how uptight you are.  
  
Saitou: reaches for his katana  
  
Inu-Yasha: Ok, bring it on! draws for Tetsusaiga  
  
Saitou: You can't beat me with that rusty old thing...  
  
Inu-Yasha: Says who?  
  
Saitou: Says me... goes into Gatotsu stance  
  
Inu-Yasha: gets in drawing stance  
  
Shippo: Here we go again with another fight.  
  
Kagome: Yeah, you would've thought fighting the camera man would've been enough. SIT BOY!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: plop Oowww...  
  
Shingai: Please sit down, Saitou.  
  
Saitou: Why? I need to kick half-dog-half-chicken boy's ass!  
  
Shingai: Fine then. Procee-  
  
Shingai's mother: Shinny!!!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: What was that?  
  
Shingai: You don't want to know, trust me.  
  
Inu-Yasha: I...don't?  
  
Shingai's mother: hugs Saitou Hello Saitou dear! How have you been? Has Shinny been behaving?  
  
Saitou: --; Let...go...of...me...twitch  
  
Shingai: Mom, must you call me that?  
  
Shingai's mother: Oh sorry Saitou dear. lets him go and pinches his cheek You're so darn cute!  
  
Saitou: twitch  
  
Shingai's mother: And who are these other cute sweeties?  
  
Kagome: Hi, I'm Kagome, ma'am, and this brat here is Inu-Yasha.  
  
Shingai's mother: Why hello Kagome and Inu-Yasha! hugs both of them tightly  
  
Shingai: Mom, please let Kagome and Inu-Yasha go.  
  
Inu-Yasha: Let...go...of me, you old hag!  
  
Shingai's mother: Oh, well aren't you feisty? And Kagome, such a pretty girl, like my Shinny! But Shinny, must you wear such baggy clothes?!  
  
Shingai: I like my clothes, and mom call me Shingai!  
  
Kagome: I like Shingai-san's clothes too, Shingai-san's mom.  
  
Shingai's mother: Do you two attend the same school deary?  
  
Shingai: Thank you, Kagome.  
  
Kagome: You're welcome, and no ma'am, we don't.  
  
Shingai's mother: And who's this? bear hugging Shippo  
  
Shingai: Don't hurt him now.  
  
Shippo: foams at the mouth  
  
Shingai: takes Shippo from her mother Are you okay? hug hug  
  
Shingai's mother: Is he a rabid child?  
  
Audience: --;  
  
Shippo: I'm not a child! I'm a fox demon!  
  
Shingai's mother: A very cute one.  
  
Shippo: ears wiggle  
  
Shingai's mother: Has Shinny been a good girl, Saitou?  
  
Saitou: Depends on how you define good...  
  
Shingai's mother: Has she been behaving and not giving you grief?  
  
Saitou: Grief? Not exactly...  
  
Shingai's mother: What do you mean by not exactly?  
  
Saitou: I don't know, ask her yourself!  
  
Shingai's mother: shakes her head Well anyway, I brought you all some cookies!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Gimme!! snatches plate and devours all the cookies  
  
Kagome and Shingai: Cookie monster --;  
  
Shingai's mother: Good thing I brought more!! pulls them out  
  
Kagome and Shingai: Ooh! Real food real food!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: eats those too  
  
Shippo: Inu-Yasha!!! I was hungry, you eat my sandwich and now all the cookies! sobs  
  
Inu-Yasha: with mouth full So? Stupid little brat, why would I care?  
  
Shippo: Because it was meant for everybody!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Says who?  
  
Saitou: Says me!!  
  
Shingai's mother: Well, that was all children, I'll go home and bake some more. leaves the set  
  
Saitou: Thank God... That woman's a nightmare...  
  
Shingai: Well, I gotta live with her, so you have it easy compared to me.  
  
Saitou: Do you think I care? One moment with her is too much, let alone a lifetime.  
  
Kagome: Why are you always so uptight?  
  
Saitou: Same reason he's so care-free...points to Inu-Yasha  
  
Inu-Yasha: still hasn't swallowed all of the cookies You're damn right. I don't give a rat's ass about any of you!  
  
Shippo: Except for Kagome, of course!  
  
Inu-Yasha: cocks an eyebrow and punches him multiple times...You still think that way, you little snot?  
  
Shippo: with a black eye and bloody nose If you don't like her, then why are you getting so worked up over it, huh?  
  
Inu-Yasha: Because you asked.  
  
Shippo: I didn't ask, I stated a fact that now everyone in the audience and the nation that watches this show knows.  
  
Inu-Yasha: ...  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Kagome: blush  
  
Inu-Yasha: You little brat!!! The only fact here is that Spiderman over here has a dumb show, and I am gonna kick your ass! starts punching Shippo non-stop  
  
Saitou: pulls Shippo away from Inu-Yasha I...said...to stop CALLING ME THAT!! puts Shippo down and draws his katana  
  
Shippo: runs and gets on Shingai's lap Inu-Yasha, why are you always so mean?!?!?! rubbing his head  
  
Inu-Yasha: Because I can...!  
  
Shingai: Yeah can you cool it, we got a show to run, you know. rubs Shippo's head  
  
Shippo: That hurt too!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Feh...Does it look like I care?  
  
Saitou: Hello, I challenge you to a fight, here... pokes Inu-Yasha with the tip of his katana  
  
Shingai: shrugs Okay, fine, I need a cheap thrill. pulls out first aid kit Okay, proceed.  
  
Saitou: Alright, then. You asked for it! charges with a Gatotsu at Inu- Yasha  
  
Inu-Yasha: Oowww.....bangs him on the head with the untransformed Tetsusaiga  
  
Saitou: OUCH! Wait, how'd you do that?!  
  
Shingai and the Audience: SAITOU! SAITOU! SAITOU!  
  
Kagome: Inu-Yasha, for once I must agree with Shingai, that Saitou will teach you a lesson.  
  
Saitou: Sure as hell I will! ::stabs Inu-Yasha::  
  
Inu-Yasha: Ya bastard!!! bangs him again Take that and that and that!!!!! bangs him some more  
  
Saitou: I'll run this sword right through you, half-dog-half-chicken boy! slices Inu-Yasha's arm  
  
Inu-Yasha: Ahhhh! falls to his knees then gets back up and bum rushes Saitou  
  
Saitou: parries then attacks again  
  
Inu-Yasha: Think you're slick don't you, Spiderman?  
  
Saitou: I SAID TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!! slashes at Inu-Yasha again  
  
Kagome: goes over to Inu-Yasha...ok, Saitou, I think he's had enough. Inu- Yasha, please, this is so childish!  
  
Inu-Yasha: You can't make me!!  
  
Kagome: SIT!!!!!!  
  
Inu-Yasha: plop Okay, maybe you...can...  
  
Shingai: If only I could tame my wild friends that way. --  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Saitou: At least your mother...  
  
Shingai: Yeah really. I guess I'll just have to use a leash until then.  
  
Shippo: You wouldn't put me on a leash, would you Shingai-san? .  
  
Shingai: No of course not.  
  
Saitou: Well, now that you mention it...  
  
Kagome: --;......So, Saitou can you juggle?  
  
Saitou: What the hell?!  
  
Shingai: Here we go again, asking if Saitou's capable of doing circus activities. --;  
  
Kagome: Uhhh.......woops?  
  
Saitou: --;;;  
  
Shippo: Do you have anymore food, Shingai-san? sniffs her for food and goes through her backpack  
  
Saitou: --;;;  
  
Inu-Yasha: This banana....chewing on a banana  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Kagome: Shingai-san, take it from me, when you're around them, never have food on you. --  
  
Shingai: Yeah, I know Saitou eats like a horse when he comes to my house.  
  
Saitou: Shut up, Shingai! Can we move on now?  
  
Shingai: Yeah sure why not, it is your show.  
  
Inu-Yasha: Even YOU, Shingai, would make a better host than Spiderman here.  
  
Saitou: Excuse me?!  
  
Shingai: Thanks.....I think......but for now I have to keep his ratings high with sarcasm.  
  
Inu-Yasha: You heard me!!!!  
  
Saitou: cheap-shots Inu-Yasha  
  
Inu-Yasha: Ahhhhh!!! You bastard!!!! kicks him in the shin  
  
Shingai: -- Oh hell, I give up with this little girl business, I'm 6 in a 16 year old body. Where the hell's my lollipop and dolly?  
  
Saitou: That hurt, damn it!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Be a man about it! kicks him again  
  
Shingai: And people call me a little girl... --  
  
Kagome: You don't act like one.  
  
Saitou: kicks Inu-Yasha in the nuts again  
  
Shingai: But then again, these are times when watching Saitou act like a teenager, Saitou, it's you and Inu-Yasha that make people appreciate me. pats him on the back Just keep brawling, I'm loving this.  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Saitou: Don't touch me! smacks her hand away  
  
Shingai: snickers See?  
  
Kagome: Yes, Inu-Yasha is the same way. See? strokes Inu-Yasha's hair  
  
Inu-Yasha: Don't touch me! smacks her hand away  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Kagome: Hey you're right, Shingai.  
  
Shingai: But sometimes Saitou's so fun to piss off.  
  
Kagome: laughs....So what questions do you have for us, since Saitou's too busy to ask and Inu-Yasha's too busy to answer?  
  
Shingai: Sure! How do you get to Feudal Honshu from modern day Tokyo?  
  
Kagome: I use a magic well. It sort of acts like a portal. Inu-Yasha sometimes comes with me.  
  
Shingai: I see. Maybe I'll throw my mom down there one day.  
  
Kagome: It's right outside my house; you can come by anytime you want.  
  
Shippo: Why would you do something so mean like that?  
  
Shingai: Yeah or that would be a great place to stay to keep away from mom.  
  
Kagome: That's a great idea! We can have a sleepover! I'll invite all my friends!!  
  
Shingai: Sounds good.  
  
Shippo: Can I come too?!  
  
Kagome: Sure! Anytime!  
  
Shippo: Yay!!!!! When?  
  
Kagome: Uh...whenever Shingai does, I guess.  
  
Shippo: Say after the show Shingai, please!!!!!!  
  
Shingai: Saitou?  
  
Saitou: stops pounding Inu-Yasha and looks up Yes?  
  
Shingai: Are we doing anything after the show?  
  
Saitou: WE are doing nothing. It's my wife's anniversary...OH CRAP! I forgot her present!  
  
Inu-Yasha: Haha, Spiderman's so forgetful.  
  
Shingai: I have it remember?  
  
Saitou: Oh yeah...what is it again?  
  
Shingai: whispers into his ear  
  
Saitou: Oh yeaaaaah...  
  
Shingai: What I meant was am I coming over for your party or no? Was I invited?  
  
Saitou: I didn't know a party was planned.  
  
Shingai: Okay, then we're not doing anything then. I guess I can, Kagome.  
  
Shippo: YAY!!  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Shingai: Why are you so happy?  
  
Shippo: Because I love you! hugs Shingai tightly around the neck  
  
Audience: Awww...  
  
Shingai: Ahhhhh.....ruvv......you.......chooo.... gasps for breath  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Miroku: wanders in followed by Sango Did someone say love?  
  
Shippo: lets go of Shingai Yay!! Sango! runs over and hugs her  
  
Miroku: Hey, what about me?  
  
Sango: hugs Shippo...Perv....--;  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Miroku: Hey, wait a...sees Shingai Hello there, young miss! runs over to her and grabs her hands Would you...please bear my child? pats her on the boob  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Shingai: does a Saitou glare at the audience  
  
Audience: falls silent  
  
Shingai: Yeah, yeah, whatever.  
  
Saitou: glares at Shingai  
  
Shingai: glares back  
  
Audience: Ooooh.  
  
Sango: pimp-slaps Miroku Watch it, mister!  
  
Shippo: What's wrong with them?  
  
Kagome: They're all just being immature, Shippo, ignore them.  
  
Shingai: rolls eyes This is dumb.....anyway looks at Miroku and Sango Who are you two?  
  
Sango: I am Sango, and this poor perv here is Miroku.  
  
Miroku: holding his cheek Ow...  
  
Shingai: Welcome.  
  
Sango: Thank you, Shingai-san. bows  
  
Shingai: No problem Sango, you wanna sit? points to two chairs  
  
Sango: Sure! sits  
  
Miroku: Wouldn't mind if I do. sits on Sango's lap  
  
Shippo: Mr. Saitou, how come you glare when you're mad?  
  
Saitou: Because...it makes me feel better...  
  
Sango: pushes him off...Perv....  
  
Miroku: rubs his bruised butt Ow...  
  
Shingai: Well there is another seat there... points beside Saitou  
  
Saitou: I'm not letting that perv sit next to me! What if he's a fag?  
  
Inu-Yasha: What, afraid someone will finally come onto you?  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Saitou: Tokio comes onto me often enough, thanks!  
  
Miroku: I'll leave that one alone....sits on Kagome  
  
Kagome: Hey! Get off! pushes him off  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Miroku: falls on floor Here we go again... gets up Okay fine then, this is where I sit for the rest of the show. plops down on Shingai's lap  
  
Shingai: Hey! Get off me! pushes him but he doesn't budge  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Miroku: I like this seat, it's nice and squishy.  
  
Saitou: Didn't you hear her? She said get off, monk man.  
  
Shingai: --; Great, glad you enjoy my lap, and I can't feel anything below my waist.  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Saitou: She said get off...raises his sword to him  
  
Miroku: doesn't budge...They say it's bad to strike at a monk.  
  
Saitou: Monk or not, you and your petty ways don't scare me.  
  
Miroku: Well then, if you have nothing but misfortune following the event of you hitting me, then I told you so.  
  
Saitou: Sure...whatever...Get up.  
  
Miroku: doesn't budge No thank you.  
  
Saitou: I do not wish to murder a holy man, if you even are one, nor do I wish to get blood on Shingai's kimono, so this is the last time I will say it. Get up.  
  
Miroku: I doubt you'll be able to murder me, and it is not polite to spill blood on a female, so just don't do it.  
  
Saitou: Well, if you were to move, then this whole situation would be resolved, now wouldn't it?  
  
Miroku: Well think of it this way: at least it's not your lap I'm sitting on.  
  
Saitou: True, true...but that's not the point!  
  
Shingai: Thank God, but I don't want you on mine either!  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Miroku: In that case...stands up, lifts her onto his lap, and gropes her butt  
  
Shingai: O.-.....Miroku! Stop!!! slaps his hand  
  
Miroku: At least it wasn't my face.  
  
Shingai: In that case...slaps his face  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Miroku: eyebrow twitch I'd say it was worth it...  
  
Shingai: slaps him again Behave you, now I don't have a seat.  
  
Audience: laughter  
  
Sango: I'd like a piece of that! slaps him too  
  
Miroku: Okay, I'm not entirely sure I deserved that...  
  
Shingai: nods You did, good job Sango!  
  
Miroku: What'd I do to her?  
  
Sango: blushes Just...stuff, okay?  
  
Miroku: eyes her warily You're not...jealous...are you?  
  
Sango: .........  
  
Miroku: prepares for another slap  
  
Audience: goes Ooooooh!  
  
Sango: leans up, kisses him on the cheek, and sits back down, blushing  
  
Miroku: O.O  
  
Shingai: Sango?  
  
Sango: ....What?  
  
Kagome: Awww, Sango, that's sooo sweet! I knew you could do it!   
  
Inu-Yasha: Feh...  
  
Saitou: You're still here, Half Dog Boy?  
  
Shingai: Would you care to trade seats? I have my co-host chair back and you have a spot on Miroku's lap?  
  
Sango: ....No thanks...  
  
Miroku: same time as her Yes please!! shoves Shingai off Come to Papa! opens arms wide for Sango, who only slaps him and walks offstage, blushing and fuming at the same time  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Saitou: Well that was interesting...  
  
Inu-Yasha: Smooth move, perv.......  
  
Miroku: rubbing his sore face Shut up, Half Dog Boy...  
  
Inu-Yasha: laughing At least I'm not the one with a sore face, loser!  
  
Kagome: Sit boy! That's very rude!  
  
Shippo: You really don't have a way with women Miroku. You should be nicer and treat them better too!  
  
Kagome: pets Shippo That's right, and you could use some manners too, Inu- Yasha...  
  
Inu-Yasha: on the floor Feh...  
  
Miroku: Now who's the loser?  
  
Shippo: Both of you!  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter  
  
Saitou: Thanks, Shippo.  
  
Shippo: You both let the women you love walk right away from you!  
  
Inu-Yasha: I don't love anyone! A demon doesn't need love!  
  
Saitou: Half-demon...  
  
Inu-Yasha: Shut up, Spider-hair!  
  
Shippo: Inu-Yasha! That's not nice!  
  
Inu-Yasha: He started it!  
  
Saitou: Actually, Miroku started it...  
  
Shingai: And I'm gonna finish it....gets up and pushes Miroku out of her co-host chair and she sits in it  
  
Saitou: Thank you God!  
  
Audience: hysterical laughter and applause  
  
Shippo: Yeah Miroku! You shouldn't have pushed Shingai!  
  
Miroku: But...Sango was practically offering herself to me...  
  
Kagome: You have to learn to read a woman's signs, Miroku.  
  
Shippo: And you could've asked Shingai to move!  
  
Shingai: Yeah really....hey Kagome?  
  
Kagome: Yes Shingai?  
  
Shingai: About coming to your house...  
  
Kagome: Let's go then! leaves, dragging Inu-Yasha behind her  
  
Inu-Yasha: Hey! Yooow! Let me go, damn it!  
  
Shippo: Bye, Saitou-san!  
  
Saitou: Uh, bye little fluffy thing...  
  
Shingai: Okay folks! The show's over now get out!  
  
Saitou: Join us next time to meet the guys from Saiyuki on...  
  
Both: Hajime Saitou's Comedy Hour!!!  
  
Audience: applause and files out 


End file.
